My story starts 7 years ago, when I chose to marry the man I had fallen in love with. At the time, he was everything I had ever wanted in a husband.
I told myself he was my everything because he loved me---and I thought nothing could stand in the way of love.
But things did stand in the way. About 2 months into our marriage, problems started arising that caused Peter to make decisions by himself that affected our entire family. Some of these decisions were quitting jobs out of the blue, quitting school, wanting to go back to school and quit an incredible job he had just gotten, spending evenings upon evenings with friends, lying about where he was going, etc. You probably get the point so I'll stop there.
I started noticing that Peter's commitment to our family was dwindling and so was his faith in God. But I was confused and lost and I had no idea what to do. About 6 years into our marriage, things were really tense between us. Marriage counseling was the first step in my book and we were in counseling for over 6 months with small improvements here or there. Peter finally convinced me that things were better than ever so we stopped going to counseling, although I was nervous because things just didn't feel right.
For seven years, I had feelings of things just being off. I could never put my finger on what the problems might be but this did not seem like the Peter that I had married. Happiness was missing from his life and he would often get angry about very miniscule things.
I often thought the unhappiness was my fault and I didn't know what to do to fix what I had done to our marriage. Was I uncomitted? Was I too lazy? Was I negative with him? I would look around and see how my friends' husbands were grateful for their wives and I wondered what I was doing wrong in my marriage. Peter couldn't see my potential as a wife or mother.
And then it happened. On a Saturday in August, Peter left our family. He gave me reasons of why I was an inadequate wife and he was gone. This was D-Day #1.
In a matter of hours, my family was torn apart and I had no idea why. Was I really that bad of a wife?
The story of our separation into our divorce felt like a lifetime and yet, we were only separated for three months before divorce was decided.
November 2013 was D-Day #2. This day was a little less devastating than my first d-day because it brought answers. Peter was an addict. He had been lying for almost our entire marriage about drinking and doing drugs.
But d-day #2 was too late in my "blame game" because I had already decided I wasn't good enough for his love. I had already decided that I was the reason Peter left and I had decided I was worthless without his love. I began a painful journey into the eating disorder world that has brought nothing but hell into my life.
My pathway into the eating disorder world isn't something I was unfamiliar with. It is a struggle I've had my entire life. The first time I realized I was "fat", I was 5 years old. I've never felt completely comfortable in my own skin but ironically, I had been working really hard to get to that point months before Peter had made his life-changing decision.
D-day #2 was slightly comforting because I started realizing that my feelings of betrayal trauma were for a reason. I knew there were definite reasons I had felt our marriage was off. But something still seemed to be missing in my "divorce puzzle".
Two months after our divorce was final, I felt like I had figured out the last puzzle piece on my own but I was so afraid to ask for two reasons: I knew Peter could lie. He is an amazing liar. Also I knew that if I found out the truth, my heart would be even more broken. But I was brave and I chose to ask. What would it hurt to ask?
D-Day #3 was the d-day that is more painful than believing Peter left because I didn't cook or clean enough and it was even more painful than thinking he was just lying about alcohol and drugs. D-day #3 was only a week ago and the pain is etched in my brain and it feels like it will last forever.
Peter has a pornography addiction.
I figured this would be painful to hear but I didn't expect it to cut through my heart the way that it did. My feelings of inadequacy and not being good enough were validated by learning my husband had been seeking out pornography for years.
It's painful to write. It's painful to think about. I feel like I'm walking through fog and getting nowhere.
But the thing is, when I take what is happening right now and think about the hard things I've overcome in my life, I know I can get through this too. It may be the most painful, messy thing I overcome but it is still possible.
I've had miscarriages, struggled with infertility, and I conquered my eating disorder once already. I'm living alone with two children and that is a fear I never thought I would be brave enough to fight but we are still alive and we still get up each day and accomplish things. I am a full time student and I've finished two semesters as a single, stay at home mom.
I know hard. Hard knows me. And I have faith that hard things are possible to overcome even if it takes years and years and years to get where I want to be.
This is possible to overcome.
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