Defining Moments

Life is so full of defining moments. 

I feel like there have been so many times where I've woken up on a seemingly normal day to find that God wants me to grow a little more...or a lot more. 

With each defining moment, I find myself doubting and questioning the steps I'm taking. Trust feels so scary and hard. It always has and yet, I find myself yearning to trust, fighting to hold on to anything I can get my hands on. 

It isn't until after the fall that I see the growth. 

I can remember so many times where I've bargained with God to take a trial away. Sometimes they seem so big. And when He doesn't take it away, I beg Him not to leave me during the painful process. 

And He never has. He is always there, even if His presence seems silent. 

It's extremely scary to trust people. It's always something I want to do but it's also something that brings me anxiety. I feel like I do my best. And sometimes, when I don't feel like I'm able to trust on my own, I pray to my Heavenly Father for the strength not to over analyze life and to discern whether I am making the right decisions. 

My mind has been running nonstop the past 48 hours. Nonstop. Maybe I should chalk that up to the Zoloft prescription that got messed up at the pharmacy, leaving me with no anti-anxiety meds for eight days. But I don't really believe that's it. I think I'm just trying to trust life again and that is really hard for me. 

Because when life calms down, I feel like another huge fall is about to happen. 

I'm happy today. Anxiously happy. It isn't a perfect happiness. In fact, I feel like every few minutes, I'm talking myself down from having a mental freak out. But the truth is that I am happy. 

Happy that life seems calm. Happy that I have been given second chances. Happy that I feel my Savior's love. Happy that there is hope. 

Although trust is hard and I have been burned when trusting people, I still want to be a trusting person. I still want to see the good in everyone. I still believe there IS good in everyone. 

It's going to get easier. It's going to get better. I prayed so many nights for things to settle down, whatever the end result would look like. And it seems like maybe that prayer was answered. 

Time will tell but tonight, I am extremely grateful for the opportunity I have to be alive and learn so many things. I am grateful for friends who teach me every day. 

I am grateful that God has allowed me to recognize my warrior potential. It's been an extremely messy few years but I have faith that I can get through the messes. 

The Grief Cycle

Never is an awfully long time.

I've been studying the stages of grief, not really for school but because I'm a nerd and like to read my textbooks if I feel like they can help me in certain situations.
And I thought that I had passed the stage of anger.
I really did.

I hit a breaking point a few weeks after my recent friendship d-day where I was angry. So effing angry.

But I was proud of myself. I did not allow my anger to burst out of me and poison the surrounding friendships we both shared. I did not gossip. I did not fight for my side to be told.
I got help.
I spoke about it in therapy. I spoke about it to my parents. I spoke about it with my best friend who does not know these other friends.
I didn't want relationships to be poisoned just because I was experiencing anger.

Ironically, that was not emulated on both sides.
My friendships were poisoned.
Regardless of what I had or hadn't done, I became very unpopular in a lot of people's eyes.

And maybe this is me trying to force my way through to acceptance. Because hell, I know I don't want to hit the depression phase. I'd rather just skip it.
But the acceptance isn't coming. The anger is raging. My mind is more clear now. I can look back and see what has transpired these past few months and I am angry that so many people left me. I am angry that I gave my heart to so many people who misused it.

I want to lash out. Oh heaven only knows how much I want to lash out.
Because it isn't fair.

Unintentional mistakes shouldn't turn you into a monster. And when they do, it hurts.
It hurts like fucking hell.

And it's worse than Peter's betrayal because frankly when he left me, I didn't trust him. He hurt me in so many ways but I already knew he was struggling and a bit crazy.

But when I gave my heart to friendships that I believed were firm and when I think back on all of the times I had strived to be an amazing friend, only to have it shatter into a million pieces, I cannot help but be so angry.

Angry that some of you chose to take a side when this wasn't even about our relationships. This had nothing to do with our support group.

Two people had an issue and for some reason, it turned a majority of my support group away from me.

How am I supposed to trust support groups anymore? How am I supposed to feel like I'm equally as worthy of support when THIS, this is what happens?

This is NOT what I envisioned a support group to look like. This is NOT what I envisioned my life would be like.

Shit isn't supposed to get harder in a support group.

But it can and it does.

Because among a group of hurting women who find themselves barely staying afloat most of the time, maybe support isn't healthy. Are we even healthy enough to support each other without going bat-shit-crazy if we feel like others aren't reciprocating?

That is my ginormous question of the day.

What the hell kind of support group deserts you when you need them most? And what the hell kind of extremely close friend decides that you are THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD after all of the things you've done for her?

You hear about this shit happening to other people but when it happens to you, the pain is almost unbearable.

I've never felt betrayal like this. Ever.

And that is saying something because I am divorced from a porn addict.

Sometimes The Fall Kills You

She was thrown to the ground, shunned by the ones she loved, torn apart by her seemingly loyal relationships. 

They laughed. They saw her as an outcast, a wild beast that needed to leave. 

Now. 

Leave now, they told her. Never come back to this sacred place for it is ours. It is not yours. You do not belong. 

She ran through trees and cut her shins on twigs and thorns. The forest was dangerous but she kept on running. 

And as she ran from village to village, she realized she didn't belong. 

She did not belong anywhere. 

She tried the lovers, the fighters, the sinners, the Christians, the non-believers and none of them accepted her. None of them could see who she really was. 

Days. Months. Years. She wondered when it would end. She wondered when the nightmares would stop and when the sun would begin to shine. 

Her heart was a thousand pieces of a puzzle she did not know how to put back together. 

No one understood. No one was trustworthy. No one kept her safe. 

The villages that preached love and acceptance, the villages filled with broken people---they all seemed like places she wanted to be but they hated her. 

They hated her because they couldn't see her goodness.

Her legs bled from each deep wound she endured while trying to find a place where she would be loved. 

And one day she realized that the only person she could count on is herself. No one else would always be there. No one else could love her through her mistakes. 

It was then that she realized the biggest problem. For although all of the others had shunned her, she had also shunned herself. She had been the biggest hater of them all. 

For she knows all of the imperfections. She knows all of the stupid decisions and weak moments and mistakes inside and out and there wasn't a person in the world who she could allow herself to ever fully open up to again. 

She blamed it on herself. Who else could she blame it on? She is the reason they hate her. She is the reason scars cover her legs. 

She is unworthy of love and acceptance. She is unworthy of vulnerable friendships and steady relationships. 

Often times she feels unworthy of life. 

But she will fight for now. 

Today she is holding on. Today she still breathes and fights through the pain that has resulted from those battle wounds. 

She doesn't believe in herself but she is trying. She is trying to find her path in her world filled with darkness and loneliness. 

Never will her life be the same as it was. Never again will she be able to look through rose-colored glasses and believe that goodness is common. 

Because life has proved to her that it isn't. 

Life has proved to be unstable and cruel and lonely. 

Neverland

I used to feel like Peter Pan was our story because of my husband's choice to leave his family and never grow up.

But maybe it isn't.

Because today all I want to do is fly away to Neverland and never return.
I feel like I'm good at making other people happy. I try to serve others. I do my best to be a good mom.

But what about me? When do I stop feeling so alone?

Sometimes I feel like Neverland would be an easier road than the one I'm currently on. If I stopped going to church and I stopped going to school and I moved away from all of the people who have brought immense pain into my life---if I did all of that, would life be better?

If I stopped eating and I ran miles every day and became a better looking me, would life be better?

If I skipped back in time and made different choices, would life be better?

Because tonight I'm obsessing over "back then" again. But so many different "back then"'s. There are way too many.

I wish I wouldn't have married Peter. I should've just gone to college and stayed single longer like most normal human beings.
I wish I wouldn't have been so stupid in regards to Peter's addiction. If I could've caught him or confronted him, maybe we would be married and he would be in recovery and we would have an amazing life together.
I wish I wouldn't have found out about Peter's porn addiction after our marriage ended. If I could've just stayed in denial and thought he was just an idiot who left because his wife didn't cook/clean enough, maybe I wouldn't feel so traumatized about pornography and how effing stupid and life-ruining it is.
I wish I could go back. If I rewound some of these events, MANY of the hurtful events that have happened these past few years would be non-existent.

And tonight ALL I want them to be is non-existent.

I hate men tonight. All of them. Ok, maybe not ALL of them but most of them. I feel so much anxiety when I think about relationships. I hate them. I hate relationships tonight. I want to run away and ugly-cry and punch things until my knuckles bleed and I'm too worn out to keep going.


I believe Neverland is whatever we want it to be. So for me, Neverland is a place where pain does not exist, where people are incapable of telling lies, where bad memories are erased forever.
I want to fly away to Neverland and forget all of the hurt feelings.

I want the fear to go away.

It's hard, living life and being naturally optimistic when you're going through things that make you want to scream and plead insanity. I feel like my deepest, darkest fear is life---fear of whatever is coming next. Because there is always something. It never seems to take too long before the next huge-ass trial is punching me in the face.

Right now, I'm coming out of one of those cycles and it isn't good. It isn't pretty. Because instead of being thankful that life seems to be getting better and maybe, just maybe, I'm getting stronger again, I am just fearing the next time life will send me a debilitating trial.

Because my experiences have taught me that it will happen and I HATE that I am not able to just enjoy the peace for a little while. Instead I'm just fearing the next thing.

I am so sick of "overcoming" shit.

Tonight I want to run away to Neverland, where none of my fears exist.

Back When

Sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks. 

And I let my mind wander to a few months ago or a year ago when it wasn't all so painful. 

I remember back to the times where I envisioned what my future relationships would look like. I pour over old journal posts, blog posts, and any other reminders I can get my hands on that remind me how real it was. 

No matter what life is like now, it was real back then too. I was a real friend with real, genuine love for others. I had real friends and those memories are still valid. 

No matter which people have chosen to leave, when they told me I was a warrior, that was real. It was real when they looked me in the eye and told me they'd never leave---like Peter left. 

The sad thing is that I've learned that certain situations force a person to leave. There is nothing they or I can do. Some things are too painful to endure and maintain a relationship. 

So no one can promise me they will always be there for me. Because they might not be. They probably won't be. 

Life will happen. It will force relationships to break. 

If you think you're exempt from this, sadly, you're not. Everyone deals with shit. Everyone experiences pain. 

A lot of my relationships this past year had felt more genuine than the seven years I was married. Maybe that's why I've struggled to move on. Maybe that's why it has felt so painful. Maybe that's why I was so blindsided. 

I never thought anyone would hurt me like Peter did. I never thought I'd experience an array of emotional turmoil that could cause me to dive lower than I've ever been before. Was it even possible to be lower than the heartache of divorce? I didn't think so...until I experienced it. 

There is a message on my whiteboard from an old friend that reminds me that I am full of light and goodness. Ironically a few months ago, I went to erase it because it was too painful to look at but the marker used was cheap and it is stained on there. 

So I stare at it often. Sometimes I obsess over it. Sometimes it makes me smile. Other times I hate it because it feels like a lie. 

I am not here most days, in this frame of mind that thinks about the past and whether it was genuine. Most days I am living in the present, busy with homework or making new memories with my children. But every once in a while, I find myself here. Every once in a while, I'll remember what life was like a few months ago. Back when I didn't have fears over which of my friendships will blow up next.