Cubby

I am not ready to talk about this on my regular blog or post about it on social media.

So lucky you. You get to be the first to read this part of my story.

On April 1st, 2018, I received a phone call from DCS about a two-day-old baby who needed a home. I quickly said I'd take him, even though he was so little and couldn't go to daycare for six more weeks. I just felt like he was supposed to be in our home.

Not twenty minutes after I finished that phone call, a tiny newborn was brought into my home and I found myself staring at him and wondering how anyone could ever top this moment in my life.

Cubby was born marijuana-exposed but came to me with minimal withdrawal symptoms. His first night, he was up every 20-30 minutes and I believe that is because he didn't recognize the sounds or smells in our home. I believe he knew he wasn't with the familiarity of his birth mother.

Since then, Cubby has become an amazing sleeper. And really, he has become just all-around amazing! He smiles, giggles, coo's, rolls, and is an amazing eater. At 4 months old, he weighed almost 18 pounds. This kid takes his food seriously. :)

When Cubby first came to our home, we were told he would only live here for a few weeks while they helped his birth mother figure out how to get safe housing, etc. After those few weeks, they called and asked me if I would be ok with him staying longer because the case had changed to a more long-term situation.

Of course, I said yes.

I've had many nights where I've snuggled Cub in my arms and cried over losing him, wondering if the next day would be our last. I have felt like he is my son from the very beginning but have not opened up to very many people about those feelings.

About a month ago, Cubby's caseworker came over and said that at 6 months old, she was going to put in for a change of case plan to sever birth mom's rights. Birth mom is having a hard time showing up to visits or remembering to do the things she needs to even begin the journey back to raising her son. This also isn't her first severance in the past 12 months.

I kind of couldn't believe what the caseworker was saying but I just came home that night and prayed for everything to work out in Cubby's best interest.

And then last week, his new caseworker and his lawyer came over for a meeting and both stated that in less than 3 weeks, they are recommending the judge change the case plan to severance. From there, mom will have 30 days to appeal or decide to sign over her rights.

Three weeks.

Cubby will be 5 months old at this time.

As soon as the lawyer and caseworker left my home, I found myself sobbing and squeezing my baby boy so tightly. It was a mixture of pure joy, realizing he may very well be my legal son, while also realizing that when they tell birth mom this news, she will be devastated.

It is hard to watch someone with severe mental health disabilities want to parent a child but not be capable of doing so. It is so, so hard.

On the other hand, adoption was never really on my radar when I became a foster parent. I had no idea why Heavenly Father had called me to become a foster parent a year and a half ago.

Now I think I know.

I am afraid to say this out loud, for fear of being wrong and losing my boy, but I believe that Cubby is supposed to be my son. I believe we have a special bond and that God sent him to me so that I could keep him safe and loved and also, so that I could eventually be there for his birth mom.

I think that is my calling right now. I think he is supposed to be my third baby.

And time will tell, I guess. If I am wrong, it is going to rip my heart out but in the end, giving Cubby the safety and security that we have provided him is worth any heartache the rest of us have to face.

2018 has been a year of miracles and huge changes. I am in awe of all that Heavenly Father has done for me this year. He has reminded me just how important I am individually to Him.

The truth is, God loves each of us individually. He has a plan for us. He wants each of us to survive and thrive throughout our lives.

Right now, Cubby is a huge part of why I am thriving. He has brought a peace to our home that is undeniable.

And so, every night, I will pray for Heavenly Father to help us have peace with whatever plan He has for Cubby's life.

Because He surely does have a plan.

Today We Went To Court

Today I woke up and got ready for one of the biggest days of my life.

Today I dropped my children off to a babysitter and picked up my best friend.

Today I did not eat a single thing before 7:00pm.

Today I walked into a court room followed closely by my lawyer, my parents, two of my sisters, and two of my best friends.

Today I endured an hour and a half of anxiety as I listened to Peter lie to his lawyer, my lawyer, and the judge.

Today I thought my anxiety might literally cause a heart attack because of the pain I felt in my chest.

Today I was called to the stand and found myself barely able to walk because of the shaking occurring in my knees.

Today I took a seat on the stand and gave the court my full name, the whole time trying to keep my lips from quivering.

Today my lawyer asked me questions and I felt the Holy Spirit fill my soul and cause my anxiety to dissipate.

Today I answered questions with confidence and instead of trying hard not to cry, I was focusing on not smiling at the people there to support me.

Today I defended myself and my beliefs firmly while my ex-husband's lawyer tried to put words in my mouth and accuse me of being selfish and manipulative.

Today I fought hard for my children.

Today I walked out of the court house, knowing I had done everything I could do to show that judge what is best for my children.

Today I was the definition of warrior. The absolute definition.

And tonight, although my anxiety has returned while I wait "up to 60 days" for a verdict from the judge, I feel this beautiful, sacred gratitude for my family and friends and especially for my Heavenly Father.

Today He was there for me on an extremely hard day. And He showed me how the Priesthood can work intricately in my life.

Today was filled with more beauty than I ever could've imagined. 

Next Right Step

I spoke in church a few weeks ago. 

They didn't give me much direction so I gave them my life story. 

I didn't tell them about addiction but I told them about divorce.

I didn't tell them about the custody battle but I did tell them that I struggle to attend church because I feel like our family is broken.


My testimony still goes between "this is exactly where I'm supposed to be" and "I never want to step foot in this place again".

Someone please tell me that's normal. 


I believe the church needs my messy self in it. I truly do. Even when I don't feel like I fit in, or maybe especially when I feel like I don't fit in, I feel like I'm doing the right thing.

The church is full of messy people. 

I see it so much more now than I ever did growing up.

There is so much more grey than I ever used to think there was.

But I think grey is what makes us, us.

If everything was black and white, it'd probably look more like Satan's plan.

But because we get to choose for ourselves and because God made us individuals with different views and opinions, our world is full of grey.

I like that thought. I really do. 

I like the grey. Because it makes us unique.

And I like being unique because it makes me feel more needed on earth---like my specific personality and opinions and ideas are helpful to others on this earth.

I think that's why I take it so hard when my people get hurt---and even harder when I feel responsible for that hurt.

It is pretty important to me that I'm helpful, that I'm looking for ways to help others feel good about themselves. In fact, that very last phrase is in my patriarchal blessing.

It is a testament to how well my Heavenly Father knows me. He knows I am capable of lifting others and that lifting others helps me lift myself too.

So even though I'm a messy person and I sometimes want to run away, I am not going to.

I am not going anywhere. 

I have been active in the LDS church for a YEAR now. An entire year! 

My prayers were answered a week after Thanksgiving in 2016. 

Because last Thanksgiving, after hearing about my kids spending the holiday with (in my daughter's words) "their possible new mom", I completely broke. And I cried for days and allowed myself to sink so low.

And it was at this low point that I was finally able to listen and hear what God was saying. I went to Him with absolute humility {and a dash of anger} and told Him I would do anything and be anything and say anything---I just needed Him to tell me what the next right step was. 

This past year, I've lived by that "next right step" rule and it has gotten me through some of the ugliest moments of 2017.

And I'm realizing there are always going to be ugly moments. 

But if I keep my focus on my Heavenly Father, I will never fall short of that next right step.

Dream Boy

This weekend was so overwhelmingly good and I think I've crashed from that intense high down to a sense of anxiety.

I had a date with Dream Boy. I asked him on a date. I really did. It was the bravest of brave choices for me and I fought my fear and asked him out.
We had a great time. He opened my door for me and asked if he could hug me at the end of the night and none of it was awkward. He made it not awkward.
We talked for five hours. We laughed and talked about serious things and explained our family dynamics a little bit.
I fell in love with the idea of being with someone like him.
A dream boy.
Not to be confused with a perfect boy. Dream Boy isn't perfect. But he is open and I like that I trust him.
Dream Boy has OCD and I'm sure he has many other faults. I'm not going to deny that. But the characteristics that I am most looking for in a man, he has.

I decided it didn't matter if he called and asked me out after Saturday. We had a good time and if that was a one time thing, I have no regrets. He's moving back to Utah in January anyway. It wouldn't ever work out.

But I find myself thinking about him every few minutes and dreaming of a future with him. I want him. I want him to want me. I want to believe that I deserve him and that he can recognize the goodness within me.

I find myself hoping he calls and wondering why he hasn't.

And this is why I hate dating. Because my heart starts to ache before I ever get a chance to breathe. I don't ease into relationships. I love with intensity and trust with ferocity. I am a giver and a pleaser.

I've learned how to be on my own and I'm stronger because of it---but my hell, can it just be over already? Can I date someone? Can I kiss someone?
I'm ready.
I'm ready to be in an interdependent relationship with someone who can take my whole self and their whole self and put those two wholes together.

I don't always feel completely whole and some days, I still fall apart. But I feel healthier than I have in a long time and stronger than I ever have been in my whole life. I feel like I'm ready to figure this next step out.

Can't it just be easy this one time? Can't I just have my Dream Boy and we can get married soon and we can build a life together? I'll move to Utah. I'll quit school for a while. I'll make sacrifices.

I just want this to work out.

But if it doesn't, please pray that my actual Dream Boy is somewhere out there. Please pray that he finds me or that I find him.

I'm ready for him. Please oh please pray that he is ready for me too.

The Tornado

She shakes, anticipating the outcome. It is here. The tornado has arrived. Her legs quiver with each sign of lightning. The earth beneath her cracks and the sky is full of grey.

Life as she knows it is over. Everything she has trusted to keep her grounded is now uprooted. The steps she will take will determine parts of her outcome but it is not all up to her. Forces cause her to tremble, to fall, to move in directions she never planned on going.

She runs. She walks. She crawls if she has to. Determined not to let this hell engulf every part of her, she continues on her journey. She will make it. She has to make it.

The only other choice is to give up but she is a warrior.

Her army rallies around her. They can see that she is struggling to find a path around the tornado and she needs their help. And help, they will. They have been there before. They know what this tornado feels like and they know how to find a way. They provide her with flashlights, food, a first-aid kit, and water so she is prepared to make her journey.

She is never alone. Some days, she stands tall. Other days, she lays down on the ground. The tornado lasts longer than anything she has ever experienced. She wonders when it will end. She wonders how it will end.

Can her marriage survive? Will her children survive? Does her soul survive?

She braces for the storm and she prays. With everything she has, she prays that she is strong enough to handle the outcome.

Suddenly, the tornado has wrapped around her. She couldn't get past it, no matter how hard she tried. In the middle of the tornado, she remembers all of the hurtful things her husband has done and said, all of the insecurities she has about herself, and all of the ways she has failed as a mother. She falls to the ground and tries to come to grips with her ending. This must be how it ends. Nothing this painful can possibly be endured by one person.

But when she looks up, she finds her warrior sisters fighting to make their way to the middle of the tornado. They have come to be with her. They realize they cannot rescue her. They cannot pull her from the middle of the tornado. But they can wait with her until it is all over. They can make sure she isn't alone.

The storm finally ends. She is bleeding but not completely broken. Her arms are filled with cuts and bruises and her heart is still aching. Her sisters gather her in their arms and help to heal her. The process is slow. She doesn't fully believe she can ever be healed from the trauma of her tornado. But she lets them in anyway.

She trusts her warrior sisters, for they have been there when no one else would come. They have taken on her heartache and empathized with her pain. They have given her tools she couldn't find on her own.

She used to look at tornados and wonder how anyone was able to survive them but now she knows. She has done it. She has survived the very thing she thought was unsurvivable.

She will make it. There may be other storms that come her way but she will make it.

She is a warrior.

When Answered Prayers Dont Make Sense

When Peter left me, I fixated on how this was my fault. I was a stupid 18/19 year old girl who made stupid decisions and ignored stupid red flags. I was simply stupid.

I would tell my therapist this every week. Why couldn't I have chosen differently? Why couldn't I have asked him more questions? Why couldn't I have known better than to marry an addict? And she would always tell me, "Wendy, you need to forgive yourself for not knowing then what you know now."

Deep down, I knew that. I knew there was no way I could've known better. I was young and in love. And the most confusing part of all of this was that I prayed about whether I was supposed to marry Pan and I received very strong Spiritual answers that he was to be my husband. So young and stupid or not, I had done what I thought was the best decision for my life.

This made me angry for a while after filing for divorce. Why the hell would it be right to marry this psycho addict who had hurt me so deeply? Why would I receive an answer to prayer to marry this man?

And I've come to a few conclusions.

I received an answer to prayer to marry Pan because it was right to marry Pan.

Peter had free agency and could do with that whatever he wanted. He could choose to leave me, even if it was right to marry me.

I think that's something I've always had a hard time with and something my Heavenly Father is trying to teach me through trials. Sometimes Satan's plan of control looks really appealing to me. I like having control in my life and free agency just kind of freaks me out because nothing is certain!

Satan's plan probably would've made it so I'd still be married but I wouldn't have the intelligence that I have or the trust in God and I'd probably be more confused as to what my purpose on earth is.

No matter how easy Satan's plan would be, easy doesn't make it good.

I still have sincere faith that I received an answer to prayer 8 years ago that I was supposed to marry Peter Pan for time and all eternity. I look back and when I think about the promptings and feelings I had, I don't blame myself for the choices I made---because they were still right.

It all ended kind of sucky but that's ok. I have learned to be ok with free agency for others because I wouldn't want to trade my own free agency for anything. I love having the opportunity to learn and grow and find out who I am and why I'm here.

Divorce isn't as scary as I thought it would be. From the outside looking in, divorce kind of looked like a death sentence. It was something I feared since the beginning of my marriage when things got hard. It was this dark cloud that loomed over me when Peter walked out on us and left me to decide if I was going to file the actual paperwork while he pranced around like a teenage boy.

But divorce isn't the end. Divorce has taught me that I can have new beginnings any time I want. I can wake up any day and decide to start something new. I can make things happen in my life. I can put a genuine smile on my face.
And from the outside looking in, people might be confused that I'm "dealing" with this so well and it's ok that they don't know what I've been through and what I'm going through. It's ok that they don't see the dark nights and that they think I'm super strong and amazing all of the time. This isn't me being fake.

I really am happy today.

So today, I'll smile.