Say Something

For years and years, I was screaming on the inside, "SAY SOMETHING, PETER! SOMETHING! ANYTHING! Tell me how you REALLY feel. Tell me what you want me to do!" as he made decisions that ultimately destroyed our marriage.

I didn't always understand those inner thoughts. I wondered why I was such a controlling, paranoid wife, thinking my husband was lying all the time when he promised he wasn't.

And when Peter left me and A Great Big World came out with the song, Say Something, every word spoke true to the things I was feeling.

"You're the one that I love and I'm saying goodbye. Say something, I'm giving up on you!"

The very first time I heard that song, I was a few weeks out from d-day and I wasn't sure what was going to happen. That song came on the radio and I started to cry as each word came closer and closer to the pain in my heart.

A few days later, my sister called and said, "Wendy! Have you heard the new song Say Something? I was bawling in the car thinking about your heartache right now and I felt like you could've been singing every single one of those words." And she was right. Every word was my story.

"Anywhere I would've followed you. Say something, I'm giving up on you!"

After years of wanting him to say how he feels to me and getting nothing in return, I wasn't sure how divorce would change that. I wasn't sure about the levels of communication and how we would both deal with the new boundaries that had to be set.

And at first, it was a mess. I tried to let Peter be a part of our family, even though we had filed for divorce. We went on hikes, we watched movies late at night...and one night, we had sex. There are days I'm still in disbelief about that because it was all so...awkward...and I felt like a whore. So it was after that night that I knew I needed changes for the safety of my heart.

Boundaries.

I started reading the book Boundaries that was recommended to me by my eating disorder therapist. I recognized some traits in the beginning of the book that were DEFINITELY me.

I was so sick of fighting that I decided to allow Peter back into my life more than was healthy for ME. I was making those decisions for the well being of our children and for his well being but in the process, I ended up more confused and hurt.

Ever since I talked to Peter about the boundaries I needed to set, there has been a frustration about him that I didn't fully understand. I knew he had changed when he left me. He seemed darker and less of the man I had married. But this was different. Peter was angry at me for taking away his kids and his opportunity to have the best of both worlds.

His anger has changed him into someone I don't recognize.

Tonight, Peter told me he wouldn't be able to contribute to our son's preschool bill for a month or two and I started to walk away in frustration and he exclaimed, "Calm the fuck down, Wendy!"

In front of my four year old.

Oh hell no.

My anger was at a boiling point but there was nothing I could do because I am about to head out of town and Peter has the kids by himself for four days.

On top of that, I started working this week and school started two weeks ago. I am now leaving that precious four year old FIVE days a week.

This is just a mess. All of the shit going on is a mess. I feel so much guilt and shame. I feel so much weight on me to be this perfect mother and this perfect friend and this perfect daughter and I JUST CAN'T DO IT! I cannot please everyone. But that won't stop me from trying.

Last night, I had a melt down. Like a scream-into-my-pillow-yelling-swear-words melt down. And I wrote in my journal how sometimes I feel like dying would be easier than all of this.

And that is the damn truth. I cannot even tell you how often in the past year I've layed in bed shaking from the fear of being responsible for two little children and myself all on my own. There isn't anything to describe what this feels like to me. It is just a whole bunch of hell and the responsibility feels like it's too much sometimes.

I couldn't even tell my counselor today how I wrote that sentence in my journal because even THINKING about dying makes me feel shame...because I would never truthfully kill myself or even want to die and ruin my children's lives more.

But when I get so buried in fear and shame, I can't think of anything else that would release my pain.

Please tell me this gets better. Tell me I will find hope and that I won't always hate myself and that I will be able to afford to take care of my kids on my own and that I will stop feeling so anxious about life.
Please?

Because I just can't keep having break downs and feeling so scared for the future. I can't keep doubting myself and wondering if things will ever get better.

I just can't.

But I'm so afraid to feel and give emotion to my pain because I don't believe it will ever go away if I let it out. I feel like being strong and COURAGEOUS means to keep myself in check at all times and never let my emotions run free. I cry sometimes but ONLY when I'm alone and I always shame myself for being weak and out of control.

I'm so afraid of what my pain really feels like.


Since music is therapy, I recorded Say Something for you tonight. And with that, I am off on an adventure with my friends for four days. Please pray that my kids won't miss me too much and that I'll be able to relax and trust that they're in good hands.

Breaking Your Own Heart

Peter lost me. I can honestly sit here and tell you that he lost more out of this than I did.

He lost his wife, the woman who had loved him from the start. He lost out on so much of the memory making with our children because he no longer sees them every night. Most of all, he lost out on support for his addiction.

You see, Peter's family isn't very supportive. In fact, most of the time, they're the opposite. They have always been harder on Peter than any of his brothers. It's almost like he could do no right in their eyes---which isn't how it should be.

I was Peter's support. I stood up for him when his family wouldn't. I sided with him and he confided in me about his heartache over his family's lack of showing love. But he never confided in me the one thing that was eating him inside more than any other thing.

He never confided in me about his addiction to pornography. Instead, he left me...and he lost me.

I am no longer Peter's number one supporter. I am no longer there for him when he needs someone.

He gave that up because addiction was harder to deal with than losing the one person who tried so hard to root for him every step of the way.

I wasn't a perfect wife but I supported Peter.

Sadly, when I sit down and think about the things I lost in our divorce, the two that come to mind the most are money and sex. Yeah. About that. There is a part of me that feels like she lost out on support or love but I lost out on that much sooner than the divorce. I had lost that years ago. When I read old journal entries, that was non-existent the last few years of my marriage.

I was already alone in my marriage.

I took a roadtrip this past week and had rented a few new cd's from the library to keep me company. One of them was a Kelly Clarkson cd and as I listened to each song, I knew why I had been drawn to that particular cd.

#13: Breaking Your Own Heart
Shaking your head like it's all wrong
Before you're here you're already gone
And even with the light all around you
You're all alone in the dark

Your breaking your own heart
Taking it too far down a lonely road
You say you just want love
But when it's close enough you just let it go
The very thing you've been the most afraid of
You've been doing from the start
Breaking your own heart

It's now too late, I am not here
If only you let go of your fears

Peter may have broken my heart when he left me. I may have been a target of his ultimate rejection. But the day he called me sobbing with apologies for his 6+ year addiction and how it affected us and how he knows I was a huge loss for him, I understood whose heart had broken the most---his.

I listened to that Kelly Clarkson song close to 100 times in the past 5 days and today, I recorded my own cover of the song and wanted to share it with you.

I did change the last verse a little to fit our story because although I wish I could say I'm still here for Peter, I'm not. It isn't healthy for me to be there for him and I am healing more without him in my life because I'm learning to be my own person.

{Thank you, Alice and Kate, for teaching me that recording my own voice isn't as scary as it used to feel. It isn't an amazing voice but it's the one God gave me and I really do love using it.}