I Want To Be Better

Another email came through containing a "Confidential Item" from the church.

They asked for a new letter because last year, Peter's temple clearance was not approved and he is applying for it again.

And I didn't lose my cool when the email came through! I sat down and wrote out my feelings and sent the letter within two days of the request.

Last year, I took 3.5 weeks to write the letter and it was six pages long. This time, my letter was three pages long.

And maybe I don't care if he gets sealed to her in the temple or maybe I kind of do. I know it's going to happen eventually. But I kind of wish it would've happened last year so I wouldn't have had to write another letter.

It's all going to be ok. 

I was listening to a conference talk at lunch about how our lives hardly ever turn out how we imagined they would and how we need to trust in God and allow Him to guide us through our storms.

This doesn't stop the pain from trials. But pulling closer to Him rather than pulling away from Him is the key here.

And I'm trying so hard to do that. 

I made a calendar of daily goals that include yoga and scripture study and journal writing, etc. I know I need to work harder to fight this anxious state I've been in since the court trial. I don't like the way I feel right now.

I want to be better. 

I want to give the control to God because when I try and control everything, I relapse with my eating disorder and I allow my OCD to make my decisions.

So as hard as it is right now, I'm going to try and give up the control I so desperately am holding onto.

Now I just need to figure out exactly how to do that...

Failure

I told her in a pretty rude way.

She asked about my eating disorder and I sarcastically gestured to my body. Because if you look at me, it looks like I have not been skipping meals at all.

That was just a short 30 seconds of how my first therapy session in 18 months went.

And it was mostly truthful. Because just considering purging every time I eat doesn't count, right? And sometimes having a day where I don't eat or a day where I do throw up doesn't count, right?

But when I left, I started to actually assess the past few months and how often I have snuck to a bathroom after eating a meal.

I don't like lying to people, mostly because I don't like liars. So when I left that session thinking I might've lied, I was pretty angry at myself.

I'm usually pretty hard on myself after therapy. It's always been that way. Because if I could just be completely real and comfortable and open and serious, maybe I'd leave feeling a weight lifted off my chest.

I've had a few sessions like that in my life.

But they're not often. Because most of the time, I leave therapy the same way I leave MOST situations in my life---thinking of all the things I should've said or could've done, reminding myself how I've once again failed and acted like an idiot.

Is there a point in my life where I'll stop being so hard on myself?

The Catch-22 of all of this is that I'm capable of believing I'm a failure no matter which choice I make.

For example, if I eat a meal and don't purge it, I am a failure for letting myself eat and letting those calories turn into fat, which will inevitably cause me to gain weight and make me less desirable to a possible future spouse.
And if I DO purge after eating, I am a failure for giving in to my eating disorder and being weak and not fighting hard enough to be the best mom for my kids.

So no matter what, I'm a failure here.

And that just plain sucks.

When Weakness Feels Powerful

There is a familiar feeling here.

The feeling of my hands shaking. My head spinning. My knees weak. My throat sore. And my stomach empty.

How can feeling weak also feel so powerful? 

That is the million dollar question. That is the question I've asked over the past decade and haven't quite figured out.

Control is a part of it. But there is more. There is a feeling of pride, of being strong enough to endure this hell to get the final outcome.

The final outcome. 

I don't know what it looks like yet but I know I want it.

And I'm at a crossroads where I need this. 

I need it.