I Can Fly

I'm ready to fly.

 

My house is clean today.

I didn't go to school yesterday or work today because I've been sick.

Peter was here this morning for an hour before he took our son on his preschool fieldtrip. The three of us were playing catch together, laughing together, and it felt like we were a connected family again.

Did I mention my entire house is clean?

 

I just feel like I am able to breathe today. I'm able to be sick and not feel guilty that I'm not getting off the couch and doing something productive. I feel like I'm able to relax.

 

And it feels so damn good.

 

I've watched 10 episodes of Shark Tank since last night.

 

Lately I've been going back and forth about whether I would ever allow Peter to come back into my life as my eternal partner. It's a huge choice. I was actually leaning toward giving it a try. But then last night, I was cleaning out my closet and went through a lot of our wedding stuff when I found my wedding journal.

 

In that journal, it held a lot of emotional, painful times from the first few MONTHS of our marriage. Each time I would write in my journal, I would end the entry with something along these lines. "I wish there was something I could do for him. It's a good thing I love him because it's easy to forgive him."

And here's the thing...the longer we were married, the harder it was to forgive and forget each time he hurt me.

The longer we were married, the less optimistic those journal entries became.

 

It was hard to read my journal and then consider trusting Peter and the changes he claims he is making.

 

I don't know how to trust him. I don't know if he deserves the hard work it would take me to trust him.

 

As of today, the answer to Peter's question is no. I'm sure I will continue to go back and forth for a while.

 

But today, I'm going to fly. I'm going to be thankful for the happiness I've experienced this week. I'm going to remember the wonderful nights with friends, the love I've felt from them, and the compassion I've felt for myself.

 

I can fly.

Say Something

For years and years, I was screaming on the inside, "SAY SOMETHING, PETER! SOMETHING! ANYTHING! Tell me how you REALLY feel. Tell me what you want me to do!" as he made decisions that ultimately destroyed our marriage.

I didn't always understand those inner thoughts. I wondered why I was such a controlling, paranoid wife, thinking my husband was lying all the time when he promised he wasn't.

And when Peter left me and A Great Big World came out with the song, Say Something, every word spoke true to the things I was feeling.

"You're the one that I love and I'm saying goodbye. Say something, I'm giving up on you!"

The very first time I heard that song, I was a few weeks out from d-day and I wasn't sure what was going to happen. That song came on the radio and I started to cry as each word came closer and closer to the pain in my heart.

A few days later, my sister called and said, "Wendy! Have you heard the new song Say Something? I was bawling in the car thinking about your heartache right now and I felt like you could've been singing every single one of those words." And she was right. Every word was my story.

"Anywhere I would've followed you. Say something, I'm giving up on you!"

After years of wanting him to say how he feels to me and getting nothing in return, I wasn't sure how divorce would change that. I wasn't sure about the levels of communication and how we would both deal with the new boundaries that had to be set.

And at first, it was a mess. I tried to let Peter be a part of our family, even though we had filed for divorce. We went on hikes, we watched movies late at night...and one night, we had sex. There are days I'm still in disbelief about that because it was all so...awkward...and I felt like a whore. So it was after that night that I knew I needed changes for the safety of my heart.

Boundaries.

I started reading the book Boundaries that was recommended to me by my eating disorder therapist. I recognized some traits in the beginning of the book that were DEFINITELY me.

I was so sick of fighting that I decided to allow Peter back into my life more than was healthy for ME. I was making those decisions for the well being of our children and for his well being but in the process, I ended up more confused and hurt.

Ever since I talked to Peter about the boundaries I needed to set, there has been a frustration about him that I didn't fully understand. I knew he had changed when he left me. He seemed darker and less of the man I had married. But this was different. Peter was angry at me for taking away his kids and his opportunity to have the best of both worlds.

His anger has changed him into someone I don't recognize.

Tonight, Peter told me he wouldn't be able to contribute to our son's preschool bill for a month or two and I started to walk away in frustration and he exclaimed, "Calm the fuck down, Wendy!"

In front of my four year old.

Oh hell no.

My anger was at a boiling point but there was nothing I could do because I am about to head out of town and Peter has the kids by himself for four days.

On top of that, I started working this week and school started two weeks ago. I am now leaving that precious four year old FIVE days a week.

This is just a mess. All of the shit going on is a mess. I feel so much guilt and shame. I feel so much weight on me to be this perfect mother and this perfect friend and this perfect daughter and I JUST CAN'T DO IT! I cannot please everyone. But that won't stop me from trying.

Last night, I had a melt down. Like a scream-into-my-pillow-yelling-swear-words melt down. And I wrote in my journal how sometimes I feel like dying would be easier than all of this.

And that is the damn truth. I cannot even tell you how often in the past year I've layed in bed shaking from the fear of being responsible for two little children and myself all on my own. There isn't anything to describe what this feels like to me. It is just a whole bunch of hell and the responsibility feels like it's too much sometimes.

I couldn't even tell my counselor today how I wrote that sentence in my journal because even THINKING about dying makes me feel shame...because I would never truthfully kill myself or even want to die and ruin my children's lives more.

But when I get so buried in fear and shame, I can't think of anything else that would release my pain.

Please tell me this gets better. Tell me I will find hope and that I won't always hate myself and that I will be able to afford to take care of my kids on my own and that I will stop feeling so anxious about life.
Please?

Because I just can't keep having break downs and feeling so scared for the future. I can't keep doubting myself and wondering if things will ever get better.

I just can't.

But I'm so afraid to feel and give emotion to my pain because I don't believe it will ever go away if I let it out. I feel like being strong and COURAGEOUS means to keep myself in check at all times and never let my emotions run free. I cry sometimes but ONLY when I'm alone and I always shame myself for being weak and out of control.

I'm so afraid of what my pain really feels like.


Since music is therapy, I recorded Say Something for you tonight. And with that, I am off on an adventure with my friends for four days. Please pray that my kids won't miss me too much and that I'll be able to relax and trust that they're in good hands.

Trust Yourself

June 21st, 2013: I feel extremely lonely tonight. Peter is sick and I haven't seen him in 24 hours. I've been taking care of the kids all by myself. I hate feeling alone. I wish Peter were here with me. This will be the second night in a row we're spending apart because "he doesn't want to get us sick".

June 22nd, 2013: This morning, Peter finally came back and within 30 seconds, he was yelling and swearing at me and then he stormed out and left the house again. I honestly don't even know what I did. I started feeling sick and I was laying down. Maybe that's why he was mad? I sometimes wonder why I married a jerk. It's too late now but I hate that he's always sick but if I even get sick for a day, he can't take over and be more helpful. I'm so angry at him right now. I've been in charge of the kids for a few days by myself and he just left when I'm not feeling well.

The last few months of our marriage, he would get sick a lot. Oh, wait, let me change that. The last few months of our marriage, he would get "sick" a lot. Yeah, I went there...

June 23rd, 2013: If I felt there was a way for me to be a stay at home mom and divorce Peter, I'd probably do it tonight. This weekend has been horrible. He is constantly speaking inappropriately in front of the kids. He told me he will keep calling the kids brats if they're acting that way and he often disrespects me. Tonight, the only reason I am not leaving is because I want to be home with my kids. Is this how my marriage is always going to be? I feel alone and discouraged. I've been so sad all weekend.

Reading old journal entries, I am reminded of how lonely I felt in my marriage. This is a fact I often forget and I'm extremely grateful for my journals. I've read through five of them in the past two days, ranging from the time we started dating to last week's entries. My journals help me remember facts I wouldn't otherwise remember, like the times my husband was in severe addict mode but I didn't understand what that even meant.

Now I understand it. Now I hear about women who endure these things in their marriages knowingly. I understand that marriage can be messy, as mine was a lot of the time.

The thing is, as much as I hear about women enduring these rollercoaster marriages, I know there are thousands more who are enduring it silently. I did that for a long time. Because I didn't understand my marriage, I didn't tell anyone how bad I was feeling and how alone I was. I knew my parents would be on his side---they had made that clear since the beginning of my marriage. My sisters would get upset about anything I would hint but they were too emotionally involved and would've gone to my parents if I would've confided in them.

So I was silent. I would cry myself to sleep. I would get horrible anxiety about things I didn't understand. I was put on medication for anxiety because I couldn't handle small tasks. I've now heard this referred to as "Drowning Woman Syndrome". What I felt was real. I felt like my life was falling apart before it physically fell apart. I felt unable to handle life because I was so confused about why I was feeling what I was feeling.

It was a lonely time. Extremely lonely time.

I hope you haven't experienced this but if you have, please know that you aren't alone---and you aren't crazy. Feeling out of control in a seemingly stable world is not you being crazy---it is you recognizing signs.

Trust yourself.

I didn't trust myself and it was horrible. I taught myself to rely on my husband and I decided I was the crazy one and that everything going wrong was because of me.

The term I use for this is "bat shit crazy". If you've felt this, you are currently nodding your head or laughing or maybe close to tears because it is a brutal feeling.

But trust it.

"Feel the fear and do it anyway."

I remember feeling guilty after our separation because I was beginning to feel less anxious. I was confused and wondered why this was happening but I get it now.

As I read those old journals, I breathe a sigh of relief that I no longer feel my heart is at risk in my home. I am ultra-terrified of single life and my future and getting in another relationship and trust---but I am not terrified of being in my home with my children because I trust the Spirit we have built into that home.

I still get angry. I still cry sometimes. But my home is my safety now. We stay home more than we ever did before and that is because I trust the four walls where I am raising my children.