She's Moving

My best friend is moving. 

The friend I ran to when Peter told me he was leaving me---the friend who held me while I sobbed into her shoulder and then drove me to the temple and stayed with me until midnight.

The friend who has picked up Peter's slack and has watched my kids countless hours for free.

The friend who is in my ward and has walked me through my confusing faith journey.

The friend who accompanied me back to the temple almost a year ago and held my hand when I started to freak out and have anxiety and convince myself it was too soon.

The friend who I spend holidays with when I don't have my kids because it is too painful to be around my family and watch my nieces and nephews make memories without my kids present.

She's moving. 

And although it's only an hour and a half away, my heart is aching that I won't be able to drive two streets away and punch in her garage code and walk in like I live there (because I practically do).

And at a time where I may end up losing more time with my kids (because everything just seems to be getting messier), I am so scared to lose her too.

I spoke to God and told him now would be a great time to introduce me to my future husband. He hasn't gotten back to me on that yet...

I Hate Him

My lawyer sent a settlement offer to Peter's lawyer.

Trial had been set for January 3rd of this next year and I told my lawyer I wanted to avoid that if we can.

Because why would any of us waste our time on trial when the mediator's report clearly stated that Peter's work schedule would not allow him to have 50/50 custody?!

Doesn't he understand how this was just a colossal waste of time and money for both of us?

I think he does. But I think he also believes he will somehow get more custody and that will lower his child support---therefore 'saving' him money.

I hate that this is all about money for him.

Oh how I wish he would just move on and try to create a more positive life with his new wife.

*************

Today we received the counter proposal back from his lawyer's office. And instead of there being a compromise, he changed MORE and it was worse than the first proposal sent to me in June of this year.

I hate him today.

I hate him so much.

And I feel frozen with anxiety at the thought of him raising our children more and picking them up from school.

They don't want that. They absolutely do not want that!

If he wins, I feel like our future will be ruined.

And because I don't agree with his counter proposal, we will go to trial. And after I've spent $5,000 on lawyer fees as a single mom working two jobs, I will have to find another $5,000 or more for trial.

Merry effin' Christmas. 

And I'm scared. I'm so, so scared. I can't stop crying and my whole body is numb.

I don't know how to deal with all of this today. I don't know how this is supposed to resolve.

I hate Peter so much. And I hate his new wife.

And I just want to raise my children and love them and care for them.