Hope{less}

If he wants to leave then let him leave.

The idea of this sounds so simple.

Let him leave.

But people don't always tell you about the aftermath. People don't always tell you how much it is going to hurt and how much you might lose yourself. They don't tell you that these times will feel so painfully lonely and that one minute to the next can drastically change. They don't tell you that you will see the beauty but you will also feel like you want to die.

I often wish my journey would just end already---not my journey on earth necessarily but this painful journey of divorce and eating disorder and trauma and exhaustion. I often hope that the light at the end of the tunnel is going to show up but it never does.

Especially today, it doesn't.

I feel weak. I feel stupid.

I was thinking about my eating disorder for hours on end at work today. It was consuming my thoughts and I was wondering why I'm more apt to say I relapsed if I purge but if I go days without eating, I don't treat that as a relapse.
Is it because I've always identified with bulimia the most?
Even further than that, I wonder if the relapse is actually the thought process---the things I choose to believe. Because if I choose to believe the lies, isn't that a relapse? Isn't ED all about the lies in my head?

So maybe I'm in the middle of another eating disorder struggle and maybe I'm not. I haven't navigated it that far yet. But my body feels the way it used to---struggling to stay awake, feeling jittery, and extremely impatient.

But I ate today. I really did. I ate breakfast and snacked at work and ate dinner. So I don't know why my stomach feels hollow tonight. I don't know why I've been fighting back tears for a good portion of the day. I don't know why I am so angry that this is my life.

I feel like I can't handle life---the kids, the school, the work schedule. It all seems like too much today. It all seems heavy and scary and I feel like I'm failing at everything.

I look in the mirror and I don't see a person I love. In fact, I see a person that I hate. I see rolls and fat and blemishes and stretch marks. I see a mother who doesn't have time to do homework with her daughter, a student who half-asses assignments just to get them done on time, and a friend who almost never has time for others anymore.

Tunnel vision.

I feel like I'm being held captive by tunnel vision tonight. I feel like all of the beauty is covered in dark clouds. I feel like everything I accomplish is tarnished by the millions of mistakes I make. I feel so unworthy of love. I feel so unworthy of relationships, whether they be family or friend relationships.

I have a messy house that was spotless four days ago and I haven't decided when I'll be able to pick it all up and continue on my psychotic organizing journey.

I have OCD that tells me NOT to touch door handles or bathrooms or counter tops and that if I do, I better bust out my hand sanitizer or we are all going to get sick.

Today I was thinking about how it'd be easier if I weren't here---how the people who depend on me wouldn't have to get their hopes crushed all of the time. I feel like I'm constantly screwing everything up.

I feel like I'm speeding through life but getting nowhere. Am I moving on a path? Am I working toward something? I want to say yes. I want to have goals and be productive and have positive relationships but I just don't have faith in myself tonight.

I'm trying to accept the fact that I'll probably be single forever because I don't have the time or energy to date. I can't even keep up with the relationships I have---adding in another one might kill me. And not getting married means I get to accept the fact that I'm not having any more kids. And not having any more kids means I get to accept the fact that my baby starts kindergarten this year and that life is passing me by faster than I'd like it to.

I can't do this tonight. I really hope that sleeping will bring some of my normal self back. If it doesn't, I might just go bat-shit crazy tomorrow.

I Fail

I come here when it gets hard. And it keeps getting really hard.

I've had some of my worst days and that just isn't fair. My eating disorder days were supposed to be my worst. My husband leaving me was supposed to be my worst day. This isn't how it's supposed to be.

But my crying has become a broken record. It keeps happening. Damnit, it keeps happening!

My brain feels hazy, like it would if I were on drugs---but I'm not---and I wish I was. I wish I wasn't hurting so badly for no apparent reason. I wish I wasn't a horrible mother. I wish I wouldn't say mean things to my kids. I don't deserve them and today proved that they would probably be better off being raised by someone else---someone more patient, someone less broken.

I know I take on too much responsibility. I know I "can't do it all". Everyone tries to remind me of this. But when I say no to people, I become more of a failure. I'm so worried people won't like me if I don't help them. I'm so worried people will abandon me if I don't bend over backwards and put a brave face on every single day.

They'd get sick of me. They are getting sick of me. No one likes to be around negativity and right now, that seems to be all that I am. Who am I, really? Because Wendy isn't strong or brave or nice or compassionate.

I'm not really worth anyone's time. I know the real me---and you don't---so if you like me, you probably just haven't gotten to know me well enough. Because the real me is full of flaws and full of failures and she gets afraid and mean sometimes. She says really dumb things a lot. She goes too far with jokes and sarcasm. She isn't good.

I don't trust anyone---and even just that little fact makes me even more rude. How rude that I can't trust people who have born their souls to me? How can I not trust people who confide in me about some of life's most sensitive subjects? So by not trusting, I'm failing. I'm failing by not being strong enough to trust the people around me who have proven they are trustworthy.

I barely got through today and unfortunately, it isn't over yet. If my kids weren't with me, I'd probably highly consider drinking because I am not strong enough to succeed tonight.

I was exhausted at work and I kept nodding off in my office. And then the headache started. And then I got back to my kids and they were crazy and rude and all over the place. I told my friend I don't like kids today---and I probably shouldn't be their mom. How can someone so unworthy be a mother to two of life's most precious gifts? I'm not good enough for them. They'll realize it someday.

I was impatient all afternoon. My four year old and I butted heads. A friend came to give me a break before I literally snapped and my son said to her, "I'm coming to your house because my mom and I are being mean to each other today. She said she never wants to speak to me again." And he was telling her the truth. I did say that. And I hate that I said that. I hate how much I failed as his mother today. I hate that he could potentially remember today for the rest of his life. I hate who I am today.

My house is a mess and I can't keep up with this life. But if I accept help, I'm a failure. Lots of single moms have jobs, go to school, raise their children successfully, and keep their damn house clean. I'm just not good enough at all of those things so something always falls through the cracks.

Today two of those things fell through the cracks as I released my impatience onto my children.

I failed at being the kind of person I want to believe that I am.

And because of that, I hate myself today.

Triggers

My story fits in nowhere, which kind of makes it fit in everywhere.

That's logical, right?

I don't like so many things about my story tonight. I don't like that triggers have started in places there were no triggers before.

What the hell? It's been a year. That isn't fair!

I got through the aftermath of Pan leaving me so quickly...but I didn't get through it at all. Like at all.

I was used to being single right away...but I'm still not used to being single at all.

It was a plague that started within the tiniest part of my being and eventually consumed me.

It consumed me, friends. It got to the point where I had to physically stop myself from driving to the store on my weekend without kids to buy alcohol. And although I did that very good thing that one time {last week}, I am not healthier now than I was then.

Because all I want to do is buy alcohol on my weekend without kids next week. And my brain says, "It's no big deal. It's one time. And for a few hours, you will not feel the things you are feeling and that will be wonderful." It would be wonderful. For a few hours, it would be wonderful. But the aftermath would be horrible. I already know that.

I can't become an addict like him. I am already wrapped up in my own world of addiction. I cannot use the same supplements he used to rid myself of pain. I just cannot.

But I also cannot keep living without healing. I cannot walk around throughout the day like everything is A-OK and expect that to heal me. It won't heal me!

What will heal me? God? A therapist? Anti-depressants?

The triggers have gotten to a point where I can't shave my legs without feeling some sort of anxiety. Because holy shit, I DIDN'T SHAVE MY LEGS ENOUGH AS A MARRIED WOMAN AND PETER ALWAYS, ALWAYS ASKED ME TO DO A BETTER JOB WITH PERSONAL HYGIENE. And that makes me part of the problem. That makes me the very reason Peter left and looked at pornography and didn't love me anymore.

I should've listened. Not respecting his simple request of shaving my damn legs is part of the reason that I am now a single woman. It has to be. Even if it wasn't the actual act of shaving my legs, the fact that I didn't respect Peter enough to do something that was NOT A HUGE DEAL makes me selfish.

But that only seems logical in my head---not in my heart. Because my heart says I tried and that I am a good person and that I am strong. My head says none of those things.

I kind of feel like vomiting but that is probably impossible since I haven't eaten in a long time. And not making-myself-throw-up-vomiting but holy-hell-my-stomach-is-in-knots-vomiting.

I hate coming on here and complaining. I want to come here and tell you how awesome things are. And the truth is, awesome stuff is still mixed in my life. It isn't all bad. It isn't all triggery and failure and crying. I've been having fun with my kids and laughter with friends but I still have a lot of healing to do.

There is so much that is still one big mess. And I'm sorry if everything seems so negative on my blog. I am genuinely sorry. This isn't me. I know I keep saying that but it isn't. I am a laugher, a smiler, and a helper. I know I am those things.

I know I used to be those things.

Am I still those things? Am I ever going to be the girl I thought I was?

Alone

Tonight I am alone. I am here in my house with no one else; no kids, no friends, and no spouse. I feel an emptiness that I don't experience very often because quite honestly, my friends have been incredible 'Wendy Builders'. They do more than their share to build me up.

But as it is, tonight I am alone.

Most of my friends are on date nights. As I see the pictures on Facebook, my heart hurts a little because I don't have that. I don't know if I'll ever have that again. And I can't expect my friends to drop their husbands for me. That isn't fair.

I have no one tonight. There is no one I can call to come over and laugh with me. I need to get used to that but tonight it hurts. Tonight it feels so incredibly painful. I miss the really good parts of marriage. There were times when I had that. There were times when I didn't feel alone. I'm thankful so many of my friends are able to experience that---it just gets hard for me because I don't really have many single friends. All of my close friends are married. 

I hate that I'm alone. I've always hated being alone. I wish it was easy for me to relax when my kids are gone but it's hard to have a quiet house and have no plans. It's hard to feel like an outcast among some of the people I am closest to.

Things with Peter have just gotten progressively worse the past few days. If you want to know the truth of my inner thoughts, I've considered reverting to my alcohol days because I want to erase the pain I feel. I hate being angry with Pan but I am. I can't stand him. And although I shouldn't have to deal with him often, I do. We have kids. They need both of us. We are supposed to communicate.

But communicating is the opposite of what we are doing. Peter has mixed up pick-up times on three different occasions this week and then when I wasn't home or we weren't ready for him, he got angry with me. I know I told him the right times but he sure as hell believes that I am crazy and I get reprimanded because of the mistakes that I didnt actually make.

I just hate this phase of life right now. I hate the pain I've been feeling. I hate being lonely. I hate my anger. I hate that I'm even considering making stupid decisions because what the hell? These are the types of things Peter does to deal with stuff---and I don't want to be like Peter.

I want to follow the guidelines of my church that I believe so strongly in. I want to be a good example for my kids and keep my brain healthy so that I can take care of them. I want to be the best me---not revert to a worse me than ever before. That is NOT the goal right now.

But I'm drowning. Nothing is saving me right now.  Nothing has worked to get me out of this funk I've been in since Peter's return.

Did this really all happen just because Peter returned? Does he really have that much power over me? Ick. I hate the thought of that.

Apparently, I hate a lot of things tonight.

Mostly, among these jumbled up words, I just feel like saying how much I want to give up. I feel so hopeless toward recovery and feeling better about myself. I hate my eating disorder---but when I am this low, it is the only thing that I turn to. I don't like admitting that but it's the truth and I want this blog to be full of truths.

Tonight I am lonely and there's not much anyone can do. I don't need much, really. I just need to sit in this low spot for a while and hope that someday I'll be strong enough to pull myself out of it. I just need to get to a point where I'm closer to succeeding than I am to giving up. And if I never get there, I guess there is always the hope that this life isn't the end and my Heavenly Father will be there to wrap me in His arms when I've done all I could do.

Will there be a day where I don't feel like giving up as much as I do right now? Will there be a day when the encouraging words I hear from others actually sticks and I actually believe it? Because I never do. I never trust that what they're saying really, truly applies to me. That kind of advice is for strong, brave warriors. I am not that. I am nothing. I am a drowning woman who was left by the one person who should've stuck by her side. I wasn't good enough for seven whole years. I wasn't appreciated. I wasn't beautiful enough. I wasn't anything enough.

I don't think I'll ever be enough.

Sensitive

I know, this is a redundant picture. I've used it before.

Tonight, I really just want to forget everybody. I want to forget all of the hurt and the pain and the awkwardness and the crap that comes with being an overly sensitive person.

And when I say overly sensitive---I quite literally mean that. OVERLY.

It's stupid, actually. Being overly sensitive is a weakness of mine and my goodness gracious, I do not like feeling weak. So sensitivity is a sensitive subject for me (ha!).

I'm trying to fight the urge to get my feelings hurt and talk myself through some really tough situations that I'm faced with. This is a huge step for me since I usually shut down when I'm faced with tough situations.

Ok, to be honest, I'm kind of shutting down. Maybe a little bit. But not to the same degree that I used to.
Baby steps, friends, baby steps...
I'm just trying to be more rational and sometimes that means letting myself feel the hurt and the anger for a while and acknowledging that this is who I am. I am a sensitive person. My feelings get hurt when I feel like people don't want me in their life. My feelings get hurt when I feel like people want others in their life more than me. My feelings get hurt by some pretty insignificant things.

I'm sensitive. I'm trying to be ok with that. And when I'm not ok with that, I am just trying not to shut down.

But I get it now. I get why my fight with Ed has become so much harder again. I get how much my eating disorder relates to any pain I feel in my life. When I feel insignificant, I work hard to prove that I am not. When I feel like people will abandon me, I work hard to prove that I am good enough.

The problem is that "good enough = skinny enough" in my mind. And I know my friends don't care about that but Ed tells me they secretly care, that everyone secretly feels like I'm worthless and stupid and sensitive and obnoxious.

This week, the "obnoxious" is my biggest fear and I don't feel any sense of worth because I am loud and obnoxious and I want to be subdued and never make mistakes. I don't want to feel stupid for being me. I don't want to be a screw-up.

I really want things to not bother me so much. I want to be confident and love myself and be an amazing friend.

I'm just so effing angry with myself tonight. I tried to write an uplifting post on my regular blog and it all felt so fake and stupid and I couldn't do it. I couldn't lie and act like I was feeling inspired tonight---because tonight, I feel anything but inspired. I feel anything but incredible. I feel anything but brave.

Maybe I'll get over it tomorrow. In the meantime, I'll be trying really hard to forget my pain and pretend that I am strong and that things don't ever bother me.

Because that just seems like the only way to feel ok tonight.

PS: Pan moved back...so there's that. Maybe that's why I feel like shit. No, I don't think it is but it sure has been "FUN" seeing him a few extra times in the past few days. Yay...not.

PPS: I need counseling. I'm drowning and I need counseling. And the only counselor I want to see is my old counselor, which is weird since I struggled with that for a while. I just don't know anymore. I really just don't know what I want.

Help

I wish I could help everyone, in every situation, in the exact way they need help.

But often times, I can't. You can't. None of us can. Because people don't always need what we give them and often times, they need what we can't give them.

In case you were wondering, I really hate that. I really wish I knew how to react to every situation that presents itself in my life.

I have a lot of wishes and a lot of hope.

And today, my wishes can't come true because I can't save everyone.