The idea of this sounds so simple.
Let him leave.
But people don't always tell you about the aftermath. People don't always tell you how much it is going to hurt and how much you might lose yourself. They don't tell you that these times will feel so painfully lonely and that one minute to the next can drastically change. They don't tell you that you will see the beauty but you will also feel like you want to die.
I often wish my journey would just end already---not my journey on earth necessarily but this painful journey of divorce and eating disorder and trauma and exhaustion. I often hope that the light at the end of the tunnel is going to show up but it never does.
Especially today, it doesn't.
I feel weak. I feel stupid.
I was thinking about my eating disorder for hours on end at work today. It was consuming my thoughts and I was wondering why I'm more apt to say I relapsed if I purge but if I go days without eating, I don't treat that as a relapse.
Is it because I've always identified with bulimia the most?
Even further than that, I wonder if the relapse is actually the thought process---the things I choose to believe. Because if I choose to believe the lies, isn't that a relapse? Isn't ED all about the lies in my head?
So maybe I'm in the middle of another eating disorder struggle and maybe I'm not. I haven't navigated it that far yet. But my body feels the way it used to---struggling to stay awake, feeling jittery, and extremely impatient.
But I ate today. I really did. I ate breakfast and snacked at work and ate dinner. So I don't know why my stomach feels hollow tonight. I don't know why I've been fighting back tears for a good portion of the day. I don't know why I am so angry that this is my life.
I feel like I can't handle life---the kids, the school, the work schedule. It all seems like too much today. It all seems heavy and scary and I feel like I'm failing at everything.
I look in the mirror and I don't see a person I love. In fact, I see a person that I hate. I see rolls and fat and blemishes and stretch marks. I see a mother who doesn't have time to do homework with her daughter, a student who half-asses assignments just to get them done on time, and a friend who almost never has time for others anymore.
Tunnel vision.
I feel like I'm being held captive by tunnel vision tonight. I feel like all of the beauty is covered in dark clouds. I feel like everything I accomplish is tarnished by the millions of mistakes I make. I feel so unworthy of love. I feel so unworthy of relationships, whether they be family or friend relationships.
I have a messy house that was spotless four days ago and I haven't decided when I'll be able to pick it all up and continue on my psychotic organizing journey.
I have OCD that tells me NOT to touch door handles or bathrooms or counter tops and that if I do, I better bust out my hand sanitizer or we are all going to get sick.
Today I was thinking about how it'd be easier if I weren't here---how the people who depend on me wouldn't have to get their hopes crushed all of the time. I feel like I'm constantly screwing everything up.
I feel like I'm speeding through life but getting nowhere. Am I moving on a path? Am I working toward something? I want to say yes. I want to have goals and be productive and have positive relationships but I just don't have faith in myself tonight.
I'm trying to accept the fact that I'll probably be single forever because I don't have the time or energy to date. I can't even keep up with the relationships I have---adding in another one might kill me. And not getting married means I get to accept the fact that I'm not having any more kids. And not having any more kids means I get to accept the fact that my baby starts kindergarten this year and that life is passing me by faster than I'd like it to.
I can't do this tonight. I really hope that sleeping will bring some of my normal self back. If it doesn't, I might just go bat-shit crazy tomorrow.
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