Pushover

When I take breaks from writing here, it usually means I'm doing better. It usually means I don't have the need for my anonymous self to write freely and safely.
But partly it has just had to do with how busy I am with school and work and being a single mom.

I've been trying to work on my healing and I think I'm doing quite well---but I'm hesitating to let it all happen, to let go of the past and try to build the future. It's scary to let go because that pain I have is a mask. It is a shield that seems to protect me from my future pain. I already know what this pain feels like so I'd rather just continue feeling it instead of being hurt all over again.

I want to let go of the lies. I want to let them roll off my back. I should expect them by now but for some reason, I don't. For some damn reason, I still find myself wanting so badly to trust that the words coming out of Peter's mouth are truthful.

I think one of the things that pisses me off the most is that Peter used to always tell me I was a pushover when it came to other people. He always told me I forgave way too easily. His sister and I had a hard relationship because she was often jealous of us---I never understood why---so she would spread rumors about us to the rest of the family. Every time our family relationships would blow up in our face, I would fight and yell and write her letters of disappointment and a few days later, I would forgive and forget. I just wanted our families to be connected and I knew I couldn't let my pride get in the way or we would end up estranged from everyone.

So I always forgave...and Peter didn't. He has not gotten along with his sister at all in their adult lives because of some of the things she has done. He always hated when I would forgive her but I couldn't NOT---she was my family.

Now that I realize how many times Peter had/has lied to me in the past eight years, I just want to smack him. Because although he labelled me a pushover for forgiving others, he expects me to let go of the past shit he has put me through. And I want to do it...I want to trust that he tells me the truth. Sadly, most of the time I DO trust that he is telling me the truth---and many times, I find out later the words coming out of his mouth were lies.

Like the smoking. I really, truly hate the smell of cigarettes and myself and our two children have asthma---but when Peter left me, he started smoking but last August, he promised me he had stopped.

I wanted to believe him...and so I did.
Until today.

Today when we were both at an activity for one of our kids, I could tell he had been smoking. I wanted to say something, to start a fight that I would later regret, but I didn't. I pushed my pride aside {once again} because I wanted our children to have a good day.

So maybe I am a pushover. Maybe I seem weak when I trust over and over again. But I don't look at it that way. I think my ability to forgive makes me strong and brave. I haven't yet forgiven Peter but Peter's lies have been far worse than anything his sister or any other person in my life has done. I figure he lied for 7 years so I get the next 7 years to heal and forgive. I honestly don't think it'll take me that long but if it does, that's ok.

This is my process. I get to decide how it goes. Peter doesn't get to dictate my side of our divorced relationship. If I want to push him away and cut off any relationship with him, I have the freedom to do that.

I am in charge of how I act.

And no matter my choices, Peter doesn't get to negate my bravery.

End. Of. Freaking. Story.