Truths

Lately I've been trying so hard to recognize my pain and validate it instead of stuffing it deep down inside of me. 

It isn't easy.

In fact, a lot of times I find myself fighting to stuff it again because of how deep rooted the feelings start to go. 

Last night, I was laying in my bed watching Gilmore Girls and I turned on my side and gathered up the pillows around me and started to cry. The empty feelings were taking over. I was panicking about this being my life forever. It started to seem like this already has been my life forever. I forgot what it feels like to have a partner laying down next to me as I fall asleep. I started to ache and miss the physical affection. 

I struggle with the physical aspects of divorce a lot. It's not something I like to open up about outside of therapy. In fact, I don't even LIKE to open up about it in therapy...but I try to.

There are times I struggle so hard to NOT seek out a random guy and sleep with him. 

This has been extremely shameful for me, especially this past year of being on my own. 

To give you a preface, I was almost always the "initiator" in my marriage---actually in my entire relationship with Peter. The tiniest little thing could turn me on and cause my body a very real, physical reaction. 

I have never liked this about myself...because I felt like that wasn't the way a woman should be. It made me feel dirty. 

Last night, I was so lonely that a thought came into my mind that I never thought I would have to fight off. I thought about viewing pornography.

I didn't do it. I know the effects. I know the damage. I won't allow that to become a part of my life. But even just having that thought brought me shame and discomfort. I didn't like it. I didn't like that MY thoughts had gone there. Because I felt like thinking about it was an automatic transgression. 

I am trying to understand myself and validate that this is hard...emotionally AND physically. But I'm not there yet. I am not to the point where I can look at this as an outsider and say, "Wendy, this is normal stuff. Your struggle is real here. It's ok that you want to have sex. Your physical body was built that way. This is all ok. This is all more normal than it feels." Because it feels anything but normal. 

Pornography wouldn't bring me what I really desire...emotional connection. My intimate life with Peter, when existent, was always good---from my wedding night to the weeks before he left me. I know my heart misses the connection I used to feel. I know what I'm missing is the love I used to feel from Peter and the love I used to have for myself. I often feel so alone because none of my friends can make up for the connection I lost when Peter and I separated. It is different.

And it may never come back.

I'm struggling to feel like I'm normal, even though the word normal is totally relative to whatever specific situation we are discussing. Normal seems like an abstract word to most but for me, normal just means the picture I used to have in my mind of where my life would be at age 27. My life is anything but normal. I often feel so out of place and so lost. I get hurt so easily by the things people who love me say...even the things they say out of love. 

And when I'm hurting, there is no one I trust enough to talk to about the hurt---other than my therapist. And that relationship isn't the same as a marriage. What I'm lacking is a marriage with someone who I feel I can trust my heart with. I know this isn't my reality and it may not be yours either but it's what I want. It's what I ache for. 

I hope there comes a day where my validation of feelings comes more naturally. I want to love myself. I want to be gentle with myself. 

I just wish it wasn't so damn hard.