The Reality of Failing Friendships

Sometimes I find myself really hating Peter.

It doesn't happen often and it doesn't usually last long but there are times I hate him for what he's done to my life.

Because amidst the oh-so-blessed days, there is a whole pile of shit waiting to be dealt with. And sometimes, I can't take it.

Peter has ruined aspects of my life I didn't think he could touch. He didn't knowingly do this but his choices have made a lot of my relationships harder.

My best friend posted on The Book of Faces today a meme about something I wasn't understanding. She said something to our other friend about "not being able to wait until Saturday".  And I got a little anxious because I started to feel left out.

I sucked it up and pretended to be joking when I asked what her comment about "Saturday" meant.

I knew it was probably nothing and that I was acting like a freak but my anxiety took over.

A while later, I got on my iPad and saw that she had replied.
Awesome.
She said they are going to the movies on Saturday. The three of them and their husbands for her husband's birthday.

My first reaction was to hate Peter. To hate our divorce and how it has affected my other relationships. I hate being left out because I'm single. These are my BEST FRIENDS.

And then I started to have a panic attack about the reality of my friendships. 

Last year, for this same friend's husband's birthday, they gathered a group of couples and went bowling---and I went too. I had a great time and loved that my friends didn't feel weird about inviting their awkward single friend along.

So since it's now been another year and I got left out of this birthday event, I started to wonder if my friends really like me as much as I like them.

Am I just the sad, single charity case? Do they hang out with me as a service? Am I really an equal friend to them? 

I was trying to process these feelings but the more I thought about it, the more anxious I became.

My friends are incredible. 
But in that moment, I wanted to pull away from them. I wanted to curl up in a ball and never speak to them again to protect my heart from the inevitable abandonment ahead.

Because everyone ends up abandoning me in the end.

And because I have abandonment issues, I often wonder if people are genuinely there for me or if they just feel bad for my situation.


All of this...from a simple post on Facebook.

I don't want to blame these feelings on the fact that I haven't taken anxiety med's in 3 days and won't be able to get a refill on them until next Wednesday because I would be feeling this way regardless...but I'm also sure the fact that I am emotionally unstable isn't helping the process.

I feel so much shame in regards to my friendships. I've had so many failed friendships and I am always worried I will push someone else away. Obviously, I am the common denominator in my friendships failing. I look around and see so many people who have been friends for years upon years. There has to be something wrong with me that people won't stick around after a few years.

And since I'm coming up on the 3 year mark of meeting my best friend, I keep thinking it'll all blow up in my face soon. Because people don't always stick around.

And then I think about the fact that I've been a part of the Togetherness Community for over a year and when those people get to know me well enough, that'll be over too.

Because what do I give to a friendship? Awkwardness? More work? Service opportunities?
Am I even helpful? Am I even a genuinely good person to be around?

I want to believe I am worthy of best friends but life has shown me that best friends leave you.

And I'm so scared. I'm so so so so scared to lose my friends.

I want to trust that people understand and that they love me because of who I am but I don't really like who I am so it's really hard to trust that other people will like me 'as is'.

The shame spiral started a few hours ago. It has subsided a little bit thanks to some wonderful friends who talked me through it. But it isn't gone. The anxiety feels like a hangover and I don't want to reach out to anyone else because the more needy I am, the less people will like me.

Life feels so unsafe tonight. So shaky and unstable and scary.