As I sat in my chair and heard the stake president release the old bishop, I was on pins and needles. I needed this. I had been looking forward to this day for a long time.
As the new names were read, I sunk back down into my chair. My faith had diminished and in it's place, I found myself doubting that this calling was from God.
It couldn't be.
Or could it?
Is this a test of my faith, to have a man called as bishop that I don't believe will be a support for my family?
Am I jumping the gun by not trusting my new bishop within seconds of him being called?
I don't know.
What I do know is that my loss of faith has less to do with the man called as it does the overall callings in my ward. I was taught from a young age that all callings were prayed about but what I've witnessed in the last 7 years in my ward is that the same people get the same :high" callings and everyone else is in primary or nursery.
Our new bishop used to be the second counselor in the bishopric before he was released and called as the Sunday School president. He is now our bishop. His counselors consist of members who have only held either bishopric or other auxillary callings in the past 7 years.
I want to trust "the system". I want to trust that he will be a safety net when I need a priesthood holder. But I don't.
I'm going to try, friends. I really am. I want to have faith. I don't want to abandon the church...and yet, a lot of times, all I want to do is abandon church. It isn't that I have issues with the doctrine. I've never had issues with the doctrine. But I've had so many faith-diminishing experiences with my church leaders.
The bishop that has been my bishop for the past 5 years has always known within 24 hours when a huge trial has hit...and never before has he reached out to me. I reached out to him when Peter went inactive and he counseled us and led me to believe that our trials were because of my infertility. He literally told me that I needed to stop being so emotional about my infertility because it was putting a rift in my marriage.
AS IF I COULD JUST TURN OFF THE HEARTACHE I WAS FEELING.
Since that day, he has never spoken a word to me. When Peter left me, he never reached out. He never even said hi at church. I haven't spoken to him in years and he walks past me every Sunday.
So I was hoping that I'd have some amazing Spiritual experience with my new bishop and I'm kind of disappointed.
I know it's rude. I feel guilty for having these feelings. I want to have faith in him. I want to trust that God knows I need church leaders who can help me in my struggles. I want to believe he is our bishop for a reason.
I hope I get there. I really, really do.
Prayers for you, this is heavy, hard stuff. And I am so sorry you haven't had much needed support while going through this.
ReplyDeleteI understand the pain of where you are coming from- I am in the same place when it comes to faith in the church vs. faith in God... Praying for you- I hope you find the support you need- even if it's from somewhere unexpected.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'm so sorry that your local leaders have not been able to give your family adequate support. That makes everything so much harder. Where in the country are you? I've moved quite a bit and have found that some areas just seem more "young" in the gospel. GREAT people but inexperienced with certain matters. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteUGH!! I'm so sorry. New bishops are always a scary time for me too. The last 2 I've had have both been new to the calling, and I get so scared that they're not going to "get it". Lucky enough, they've been fairly good. They dont reach out to me like I hope, but the relief society does, so I think maybe they're relying on that. I have an amazing relief society president and an amazing visiting teacher. Thank goodness. And I feel you about just wanting to abandon it all sometimes! :(
ReplyDeleteLife is hard. Our realities suck. But grasp on to those who DO reach out. Love your guts!
I'm so sorry. I've had bishops suggest to me that it was "okay" (want to clarify NOT "should") get breast augmentation. My husbands big hang up. They've acknowledged it shouldn't be a solution but thought that it could help. YA THINK!? Did they mean well? Of course! Did they know how wrong they were? And that my husbands appetite for breasts is caused by twenty years of poor choices and filling his mind with fake photobrushed images? NO! They absolutely don't understand. Heck up until this past year I never knew that addiction of any kind was "EMOTIONAL mismanagement" and I only learned that when I was plunged into thousands of dollars and hours of therapy in an attempt to save MY family before I truly understood this concept. Church leaders are just men (and women) who are volunteering their time and doing their best. The Lord can only choose from who is available - sometimes I am sure those pickings are slim. I know of a ward where there was only one, ONE worthy male to hold the office of Elder's quarum president. The problem in my eyes is the people, not the Lord or even the church, there are at times and in places very little material to work with. I hope with all the new awareness about addiction and the mother's from our generation addressing it with our children when they are young that we will be able to help the next generation be a little stronger and more prepared to lead us.
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime I hope that if your new bishop is unable to be a support that the Lord will send it through another means that will be what you need. Please don't lose your faith in the church. Women like you who have learned and experienced so much are invaluable!!! in helping teach the next generation.
This is hard stuff. I am praying it goes well for you and that you get the support you need. You deserve it. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteWe need you in the church. We need you, we need you, we need you. Who will help break the shame culture, the stereotypes of culture in our church if women like us don't? I stay in the church for two reasons 1) I want to be like Christ, not like anyone else. and 2) I believe God chose this church to restore his keys in the latter days. It's kind of that simple for me. And I totally get the trend of only leaders get to keep being leaders, as if there's a pool so small that nobody else could ever be given a chance.
ReplyDeleteBishops are just accountants, construction workers, math teachers, etc. They have ZERO training as therapists and should not give advice but rather only ask the question "What do you need sister? And can I help?"
Hi! I am here to share my own testimony after I got directives from people who shared wonderful testimonies here. I was not ready for marriage and because my parents want me to change my womanizing attitude and focus on building a family. So I tried marriage with one of my longtime girlfriend and we lived as couple for two years before the womanizing spirit started again. I started spending nights outside; I also bring women into our matrimonial home. I started treating my wife life a maid before we finally had a fight and I told her to leave. I never knew her importance until bad things started happening to me, I lost my job and car, I couldn’t pay my bills, my girls left me, I had no one to talk to and I can’t go back to my wife because I don’t even know where she is.
ReplyDeleteI woke up one night and analyzed my life, how prosperous I was when I was married and how things has just turn bad, I then regretted all my action and became ashamed of myself for being a bad husband. I tried connecting with my wife for five months via all her social media account but she never reply. I went online for help and discovered several testimonies about Spell that brought back broken relationship and I picked CHIEF PRIEST AMROS to help me get back my wife ASAP. CHIEF PRIEST AMROS advised me on how to be a loving husband before casting a reunion love spell to reunite us again without any negativity and past memories. The spell happened quick as stated and my wife came back home at the exact time. I am happy that we have lived together again for three months and my life has changed from bad to good after learning that I will not know the value of what I have until it’s gone. Thank you great Man. I want you all to know that I got this help via holytempleofsolution@hotmail.com