Those Moments

I witnessed a car accident last week.

It was one of those heart-wrenching moments where I could tell the car in front of me hadn't seen the light turn red because she wasn't slowing down at all.
At all.
It happened slower than I'd imagine witnessing a car accident would. I scanned each car that had a green light, praying they would somehow see her careening into the intersection and stop their cars. Some of them did but one of them didn't. He hit her and her car ran into a pole.
All of the kids in my car peered out with wide eyes, worried about the situation we had just watched unfold. And when the girl got out of her car, we all breathed a sigh of relief.

Haven't we all experienced these types of moments in our lives? Moments where we can look from the outside and hold our breath as another person makes a decision that we believe will alter their life from that day on?

I've been there. More than once, I've been there.

But that's the messy and incredible part about life---that we can't choose for others. That we can watch someone lashing out at others---or at us---and wish we could shine light on the situation that would prevent them from doing something they may later regret. That we can watch someone running straight into a relationship or situation that we know isn't healthy for them.

And we cannot do a damn thing about it.

Life is messy like that. It'd be so nice if we had someone there to stop us from doing a lot of the stupid things we do. But God gave us free agency for a reason.

My Bravery

I've used this picture a few times.

It's one of my favorites.

This week is significant for so many reasons.

A year ago today, I attended a conference with many people whom I believed to be my safest group of friends. And it turns out, they were the opposite of that.

And despite that, I never gave up. Not once. And I'm never going to give up.

The thing about really hard moments in your life is that they can make or break you---in my case, both of these things happened.

I am more of who I am supposed to be because of everything I've learned this past year.

And I can sit here today and tell you that I love who I am.
This week might be a hard one but it also comes with a lot of reminders that I chose life and bravery over death and fear. I chose to keep living.
And that is huge.

I am so proud of myself, of everything I've experienced and the person that it has molded me into.

I am a brave warrior. And I will never give up.

Unbreakable

 Once upon a time, I thought I was unbreakable.

And then my husband left me.
And my children struggled.
And a lot of my friends decided to hate me.
And some of my friends betrayed me.
And I struggled with my faith.
And my eating disorder almost killed me.

And I broke. 

I thought I was unbreakable---and I broke. 
Not once. Not twice. But multiple times, I broke. 

And I remember as each of these things happened that I would look toward Heaven and wonder WHY?
I would get so angry.
I would cry.
I would reach out.
I would hide out.
I would experience deep feelings of anxiety.
And some of the times, I wanted to die.


And then time would pass and people who truly loved me would remind me why they stay and God would comfort me.

And somehow, the thing that I thought I would never heal from would start to heal. The wounds would scab over. The sun would peek out of the clouds. The flowers would start to bloom again.

It was in these moments that I was reminded time and time again that I am not unbreakable.
I am not. 
But when I break, I don't break forever.

Today I am relishing in this truth---that I am a survivor. I did not give up, even when I wanted to so many times.

I did not give up. 

I have spent countless hours of crying and wondering and doubting and although this sounds awful, it isn't always awful. Because those hours of crying and wondering and doubting are what made me who I am today.

A much stronger, more resilient, more compassionate Wendy. 

And I've learned that the people who blame me or hate me or try to break me---they don't know me. And that thought used to frustrate me. I used to get upset thinking I'd given up a portion of my life to people in my life whom I truly loved but who didn't love me back and I hated that they never took the time to truly know me.
But I no longer feel that way.
It no longer makes me angry.

It makes me sad---for them.

Because I know who I am. I know how incredible I am. I know what is inside of my heart. And anybody willing to try and break that is missing out.

My life is beautiful not because it's perfect and not because the sun is always shining. My life is beautiful because I choose to see it that way.

I choose to bask in the brightness that is my children and being a dance teacher and being a child of God and a Christian. I choose to remember the good and learn from the bad.

I might be breakable---but I am also capable of healing. 

And that is what truly counts.