Gravity

Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long.

I don't think if there will be a time in my life that I'm not struggling with something, whether it be my eating disorder or my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I just don't. I feel like it'll never go away, like I'll never be strong enough to fight my battles. These battles are too big.

No matter what I say or do, I still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

Don't eat that. Don't touch that. You might die. You'll gain weight. You shouldn't be sitting on the couch. You shouldn't be going on vacation with unknown germs. You're stupid. BE SMARTER!
I hear these words all day, every day. It's like the never ending story from hell.

You hold me without touch. You keep me without chains.

This perfectly describes addiction. I understand why it's hard for some people to believe addiction is real. Because it doesn't make sense. Not even a little bit of sense. How can I be trapped by something that isn't physically holding me? How have I allowed these things to control me so much in my life? Shouldn't it be easy just to walk away and yell, "YOU CAN'T FORCE ME TO DO THIS!" Because the reality is, no one is forcing me. No one has chained me to a wall. This is me. My addiction is me.

I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

I used to scribble furiously in my journal how I loved my eating disorder and just wanted it NOT to kill me. Can't I just keep the comfort of my addiction WITHOUT the physical consequences?! I want to drown in it, be enveloped by it---because there has always been a part of me that believes that my eating disorder is what helps me and gives me worth.

Set me free. Leave me be. I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity. Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be. 
But you're onto me and all over me. 

I can yell and plead and wish that this wasn't my life. I can tell myself I'm stronger than this. I can rely on the truths of the people who love me. I have been in recovery before. I have been in a place where I truly believed in myself.
But then something happens. Something always happens. Addiction comes back into my life. Obsessions seem to make me feel safer.
Germs become death. Food becomes weight gain. Everything starts to feel bad.
And all of a sudden, I find myself right back where I started.
It's so damn frustrating. It's frustrating to fight and work hard and then lose everything you have worked for.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile when I thought that I was strong.
But you touched me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

My eating disorder preys on my weaknesses. It knows exactly what to say to hurt me and make me doubt myself. It is one of the worst things I've ever dealt with because it knows me inside and out. And I believe it.
I believe the lies. I believe the shame. I believe I am not good enough. Yet.
Yet.
My eating disorder tells me that there is hope! That someday I will be good enough when I've lost all of the weight and made myself stronger by controlling everything. Everything. Every damn little thing.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground. 
You're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.

It's so confusing. I hate my eating disorder. I hate OCD. But I also love them both. I also feel safer here. I feel so much safer and so much more in control.
But I'm not. My eating disorder is not my friend and not my enemy. It feels like neither and it feels like both.

The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.
You're keeping me down. 
You're onto me and all over.

There's a part of me that gets it, that understands the danger here. There is a part of me that can take a step back and recognize a lie as a lie. But it isn't the prominent part of me. It isn't enough of me.

Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long.

I feel so weighed down by addiction lately. Whether I'm acting on it or not, it is consuming my thoughts and affecting my life. I hate it. I hate the discord between my heart and my brain. I hate feeling worthless and stupid. I hate feeling like no one really truly loves me.

It isn't a fun place to be.