Alone

Tonight I am alone. I am here in my house with no one else; no kids, no friends, and no spouse. I feel an emptiness that I don't experience very often because quite honestly, my friends have been incredible 'Wendy Builders'. They do more than their share to build me up.

But as it is, tonight I am alone.

Most of my friends are on date nights. As I see the pictures on Facebook, my heart hurts a little because I don't have that. I don't know if I'll ever have that again. And I can't expect my friends to drop their husbands for me. That isn't fair.

I have no one tonight. There is no one I can call to come over and laugh with me. I need to get used to that but tonight it hurts. Tonight it feels so incredibly painful. I miss the really good parts of marriage. There were times when I had that. There were times when I didn't feel alone. I'm thankful so many of my friends are able to experience that---it just gets hard for me because I don't really have many single friends. All of my close friends are married. 

I hate that I'm alone. I've always hated being alone. I wish it was easy for me to relax when my kids are gone but it's hard to have a quiet house and have no plans. It's hard to feel like an outcast among some of the people I am closest to.

Things with Peter have just gotten progressively worse the past few days. If you want to know the truth of my inner thoughts, I've considered reverting to my alcohol days because I want to erase the pain I feel. I hate being angry with Pan but I am. I can't stand him. And although I shouldn't have to deal with him often, I do. We have kids. They need both of us. We are supposed to communicate.

But communicating is the opposite of what we are doing. Peter has mixed up pick-up times on three different occasions this week and then when I wasn't home or we weren't ready for him, he got angry with me. I know I told him the right times but he sure as hell believes that I am crazy and I get reprimanded because of the mistakes that I didnt actually make.

I just hate this phase of life right now. I hate the pain I've been feeling. I hate being lonely. I hate my anger. I hate that I'm even considering making stupid decisions because what the hell? These are the types of things Peter does to deal with stuff---and I don't want to be like Peter.

I want to follow the guidelines of my church that I believe so strongly in. I want to be a good example for my kids and keep my brain healthy so that I can take care of them. I want to be the best me---not revert to a worse me than ever before. That is NOT the goal right now.

But I'm drowning. Nothing is saving me right now.  Nothing has worked to get me out of this funk I've been in since Peter's return.

Did this really all happen just because Peter returned? Does he really have that much power over me? Ick. I hate the thought of that.

Apparently, I hate a lot of things tonight.

Mostly, among these jumbled up words, I just feel like saying how much I want to give up. I feel so hopeless toward recovery and feeling better about myself. I hate my eating disorder---but when I am this low, it is the only thing that I turn to. I don't like admitting that but it's the truth and I want this blog to be full of truths.

Tonight I am lonely and there's not much anyone can do. I don't need much, really. I just need to sit in this low spot for a while and hope that someday I'll be strong enough to pull myself out of it. I just need to get to a point where I'm closer to succeeding than I am to giving up. And if I never get there, I guess there is always the hope that this life isn't the end and my Heavenly Father will be there to wrap me in His arms when I've done all I could do.

Will there be a day where I don't feel like giving up as much as I do right now? Will there be a day when the encouraging words I hear from others actually sticks and I actually believe it? Because I never do. I never trust that what they're saying really, truly applies to me. That kind of advice is for strong, brave warriors. I am not that. I am nothing. I am a drowning woman who was left by the one person who should've stuck by her side. I wasn't good enough for seven whole years. I wasn't appreciated. I wasn't beautiful enough. I wasn't anything enough.

I don't think I'll ever be enough.