Abort! Abort! {Round 2}

A few months ago, I wrote this post about my relationship with my parents and how difficult it was.

 

I didn't trust them. I didn't feel like they were on my side.

 

And we are back there.

 

WHY ARE WE BACK THERE?!!

 

Pan moving back caused a lot of anxiety for me and with that came a hell of a lot of anger. I have been angry with him and he has been angry with me. We communicate just about as well as two deaf/blind zebras would communicate.

 

And when I'm angry and not dealing with life well, my frustration bleeds into my other relationships. More specifically, I kinda sorta have a hard time being around my parents. Because they just irk me. And when my dad knows I'm frustrated with him and want space, he does stupid crap like purposefully step on my toes or getting in my face or trying to tickle me---as if I am a 5 year old and I'll magically begin to smile.

 

Sorry, dad, it just makes me more angry.

 

Also, my mom was acting totally dumb on Sunday. After her not seeing Pan for a few months because, well, HE MOVED AWAY, he dropped the kids off to me when I happened to be at my parents' house. And my mother, oh my mother and her awkwardness and her stupid way of showing me she still cares and wants Peter as her son-in-law---she came to the front door and quietly asked me if she could give Peter a hug. And I said no, as if I'm in charge of her decisions. And as soon as she saw my brother-in-law go in for a hug, she waltzed up to Peter and hugged him tightly. And I just felt stupid and angry and wondered why in the hell she asked me in the first place?! I don't get her.

I don't get how easy it is for them to forgive and forget some of the really shitty decisions he has made that have affected THEIR DAUGHTER. Shouldn't they be overprotective of me?! I don't want them to punch him in the face or say ugly things about him but do they have to act all stupid and awkwardly lovey when he comes around?! DO THEY?!

 

I guess they do... 

 

And because I was already angry and feeling a slight abandonment ALL OVER AGAIN from my parents, tonight was just plain hard.

 

Tonight was father's/grandfather's blessings at my parents' house because I have no husband and Pan isn't an active member of our church. We believe in receiving a blessing before the school year starts to help out with any fears or trials we might be facing. I had asked my dad if he would do this for myself and my children a few days ago and he was happy to do so. But tonight, I was just so angry because my mom had made a comment about the way I was acting and my dad had made a comment about my parenting and EVERYTHING FELT SUCKY.

 

It was as if Satan was standing next to me, laughing his stupid little head off. Because why else would things be so horrible right before we were going to receive these incredibly special blessings?!

 

Damn you, Satan.

 

I cried a little during my daughter's blessing. That is my second time crying in the last 24 hours---usually a sign that I'm FALLING APART. But during my own blessing, my son was making funny noises and I was agitated and I had a hard time listening and feeling anything but my hard, angry heart.

 

Awesome. Fuh-reek-ing-ahhhhh-summm.

 

So where do I go from here? Where does my recovery stand? Where do my relationships stand? Where do I stand?

 

I have no answers. Not even a single one.

I have no answers and no safety net and a whole lot of shame and anger.

 

I have a lot of anger, a lot of resentment, and a failing relationship with people I need in my life.

I know I need my parents. I know they mean well most of the time. I also know they often suck at supporting me and making me feel like I am as equal as their other super awesome children.

 

But seriously, WHY IS EVERYONE ELSE PERFECT?!

I have no knowledge of any of my sisters going through big trials. Dead serious. And maybe that's just because they aren't open about it but could someone try and throw me a compassion bone or something?! Because I feel like they all live out their drama through me and then after calling me on the phone and me unloading my child support/divorce crap to them, they can hang up and carry on with their otherwise normal lives.

 

And I'm done with it! I'm done with being the drama they feed off of. This isn't just drama. It is TRAUMA and BETRAYAL and HEARTACHE.

It isn't some badly performed soap opera or a movie with a guaranteed happy ending. IT IS MY LIFE.

 

This is my life. As hard as that is to admit sometimes, everything I talk about here is my current life. I live these things every day. I feel these fears every day.

 

And tonight, I'm just worn out and angry and I want to be better.

 

Because this isn't me.

 

And I want to find me.