I Fail

I come here when it gets hard. And it keeps getting really hard.

I've had some of my worst days and that just isn't fair. My eating disorder days were supposed to be my worst. My husband leaving me was supposed to be my worst day. This isn't how it's supposed to be.

But my crying has become a broken record. It keeps happening. Damnit, it keeps happening!

My brain feels hazy, like it would if I were on drugs---but I'm not---and I wish I was. I wish I wasn't hurting so badly for no apparent reason. I wish I wasn't a horrible mother. I wish I wouldn't say mean things to my kids. I don't deserve them and today proved that they would probably be better off being raised by someone else---someone more patient, someone less broken.

I know I take on too much responsibility. I know I "can't do it all". Everyone tries to remind me of this. But when I say no to people, I become more of a failure. I'm so worried people won't like me if I don't help them. I'm so worried people will abandon me if I don't bend over backwards and put a brave face on every single day.

They'd get sick of me. They are getting sick of me. No one likes to be around negativity and right now, that seems to be all that I am. Who am I, really? Because Wendy isn't strong or brave or nice or compassionate.

I'm not really worth anyone's time. I know the real me---and you don't---so if you like me, you probably just haven't gotten to know me well enough. Because the real me is full of flaws and full of failures and she gets afraid and mean sometimes. She says really dumb things a lot. She goes too far with jokes and sarcasm. She isn't good.

I don't trust anyone---and even just that little fact makes me even more rude. How rude that I can't trust people who have born their souls to me? How can I not trust people who confide in me about some of life's most sensitive subjects? So by not trusting, I'm failing. I'm failing by not being strong enough to trust the people around me who have proven they are trustworthy.

I barely got through today and unfortunately, it isn't over yet. If my kids weren't with me, I'd probably highly consider drinking because I am not strong enough to succeed tonight.

I was exhausted at work and I kept nodding off in my office. And then the headache started. And then I got back to my kids and they were crazy and rude and all over the place. I told my friend I don't like kids today---and I probably shouldn't be their mom. How can someone so unworthy be a mother to two of life's most precious gifts? I'm not good enough for them. They'll realize it someday.

I was impatient all afternoon. My four year old and I butted heads. A friend came to give me a break before I literally snapped and my son said to her, "I'm coming to your house because my mom and I are being mean to each other today. She said she never wants to speak to me again." And he was telling her the truth. I did say that. And I hate that I said that. I hate how much I failed as his mother today. I hate that he could potentially remember today for the rest of his life. I hate who I am today.

My house is a mess and I can't keep up with this life. But if I accept help, I'm a failure. Lots of single moms have jobs, go to school, raise their children successfully, and keep their damn house clean. I'm just not good enough at all of those things so something always falls through the cracks.

Today two of those things fell through the cracks as I released my impatience onto my children.

I failed at being the kind of person I want to believe that I am.

And because of that, I hate myself today.