Another Week

Peter, please, are you serious? You can't help out with them again this week? That is so frustrating for me. I need a break. I can't do this. 

I'm sorry. I have no choice. I can't help you. I wish I could. I know I made these mistakes and I have to live with that forever and I'm sorry they're affecting you like this but I don't know what else to do. I have to work.

This was a blip of the conversation we had tonight. Another week. Another week with no help. Another week of needing babysitters and putting kids to bed by myself and doing homework late at night and working.

He knew I was upset. I told him I am exhausted. He apologized and it felt real. I felt like he was genuinely sorry. But that didn't stop me from feeling anger toward him because had he not made the shitty decisions that he did, I wouldn't be going to work three days a week and doing bedtime on my own.

I started crying as soon as I handed the phone off to the kids so they could say goodnight to their dad. My son looked over at me and then announced to his dad that I was crying and I heard Peter ask him to hand the phone back to me but I refused to take it. He doesn't get to hear me cry. He doesn't get to hear an emotion that is extremely vulnerable for me.

An hour later, I'm still crying. I'm still trying to figure out what days I need babysitters this week and how I'm going to get through another exhausting week of work and school and motherhood. I'm trying to tell myself I can do this but I'm screaming on the inside for someone to rescue me.

I love my kids. I love them so much and I would do anything for them. I just feel so stretched thin that I don't feel like I can be the mother that they need. The deal with this divorce was that he HELPS with the kids and ever since he left for Utah and then came back, it doesn't seem like he's been helping enough. I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff and I'm trying to figure out what to do next.

Peter just sent me this text right now: I'm sorry. For many reasons, and I didn't mean to make you cry. I wish for nothing more than your forgiveness for everything I put you through.

And I haven't responded because I don't even know what to say.

I'm trying to forgive. I'm trying to let all of my pain go. But all I really want to do is run away. I want to run away to a place where divorce and pornography and fears don't exist.

I'm so tired tonight. I feel like I'm falling apart and I can't do this. I can't be divorced and keep going. I just can't. This isn't what I wanted my life to look like.

I'm torn between my anger toward Peter and my gratitude that he recognizes and took a little bit of responsibility for the actions he has chosen tonight.

I hate being so confused.

I told Peter I didn't sign up to raise two children on my own when I gave birth to them. I told him I didn't choose to be single and work and go to school and still have all of the same mothering responsibilities I had when we were married. I told him I am hanging on by a thread and that I need his help.

But nothing helped. It's not like he could've said he would take off work so that I could get a break.

I said what I wanted to say to him. I'm glad he understood me tonight. I'm glad he recognized that he has put me through hell and that I am trying to pick up a thousand broken pieces and that after a year, I still have about 950 pieces to go.

But none of that changes the fact that I'm exhausted and stressed out and I just want this to be over.