We Are Not Ok

How do you break your child's heart over and over again and ever have time to heal?

I don't get it. I don't know if I ever will.

My oldest child has slumped into a hard stage again, aching for her dad to come back home and having moments of anger that our family isn't what it used to be.

Last night, she cried and told me she will never be ok because our family isn't together. I told her that I know this is hard but that I believe we will be ok someday.

She overheard a conversation between Peter and his grandma that she never should've heard. It wasn't fair for her to hear and have more confusion in her life. When I picked the kids up from his house, the first thing she said was, "Mom, Dad was telling his grandma that 'dad's best friend' really likes you and 'dad's best friend' said dad should try to get back together with you. Is that going to happen?"

And guess who had to be the one to break her heart and tell her no? Guess who was the bad guy again?

This isn't fair. It isn't fair to be the one perceived as evil because your children can't understand everything right now. I'm angry at Peter for allowing her to hear this conversation. I'm angry at Peter for even talking about getting me back. I'm angry at Peter for ever ripping our family apart in the first place.

Peter can't just realize his mistakes and think he is going to be able to win me back. I don't even know why this would be a topic of discussion. Months and months ago, Peter had made a joke about this very thing and I looked him straight in the eyes and said, "You know that will never happen, right?". I wanted to make sure he didn't think it was a possibility...because it isn't.

I'm so frustrated today that I'm divorced and that my ex-husband is a porn addict and that my children have broken hearts and that MY heart is broken. I'm frustrated that the choices Peter made have brought so many of my deepest fears to the surface and that they all seem to be magnified by a thousand. I'm frustrated that I have to leave my children every day to go to work and school and that I can't spend the time with them that I used to.

I'm super frustrated that after not acting on my eating disorder for over a month, I did. And then I did again. And some days I still do. And I'm gaining weight because I'm never able to go to the gym and I eat out a ton. I just don't know what to do because I feel stuck. I feel stuck between bulimia and a happy life, but a life that I don't believe can actually attain happiness because my weight will always be in the forefront of my mind.

My eating disorder brought security and stability and I felt so in control. I felt like I had something I was conquering but what I really had was an addiction that put chains all around me and held onto me for months before I started to fight back.

Today I don't know what to do to be ok again. I am battling between decisions of how to live and how to parent and how to spend money and what to eat and although those choices might be small for most people, they seem so big right now.