I don't know why this is so hard for me to face.
I've always known that I have the power to forgive him. I've always known I'd be here someday. For a while, I even thought I had forgiven him.
But every time I really think about letting all of the hurt go, I choke up and my body wells up with anger.
Because HE DID ALL OF THESE HORRIBLE THINGS TO ME! He is the reason I work and miss my kids every other holiday. He is the reason I am alone. He is the reason I feel betrayed and am afraid to ever trust again.
I've placed all of the blame in our failed marriage on Peter. This came easy for me because, duh, what the hell did I do?! I didn't walk out on him. I had never lied to him before. I wasn't looking at pornography or drinking alcohol behind his back. But I've realized that by focusing on all of this being Peter's fault, I allow myself to judge him and that isn't my job. My job is to work on forgiving him.
I will never know all of the details. And as much as I've been curious as to how bad Peter's addictions were/are, I don't think I'd really want to know all of the details anyway.
I was talking to my sister yesterday about what had happened on Sunday and she brought up the point that Peter would have to be fully honest with me if he ever wanted to come back. Well what happens if I can't handle the honesty? What happens if I allowed him to come back and started from square one again and then I heard all of his confessions and I couldn't handle them? Because there is a possibility that whatever transparency Peter would give me would be too hurtful and would bring up more hurt than I've already experienced.
It just wouldn't work.
And the fact that I've lived through a year of divorce makes me not want to go back to that marriage ever again. I've already endured all of the heartache of my marriage ending---I will not choose to go back into that marriage and possibly end up with the same outcome when Peter's shit hits the roof again someday, which just seems likely to happen in my untrusting mind.
But I am working to get to a point where I forgive Peter and let go of the past. Because it is over and I'm not going to get it back.
All of the hurt I've been through has made me the Wendy that I am today. Without my divorce, I wouldn't have this blog and I wouldn't all of the new friends I've made this year. Without this divorce, I wouldn't know how independent I'm capable of being. Without this divorce, I wouldn't know how much of a fighter I really am.
Without this divorce, I wouldn't be going to Utah this weekend to attend The Togetherness Project. It is amazing to look at all of the beauty that has happened due to some really horrible choices.
Tonight I wouldn't change any of it. There are so many days I want to change my circumstances but tonight, I am just grateful to be alive and the have the strength and the knowledge that I have.
As much as I hate trials, tonight I can vividly see how much stronger I am because of the things God has allowed to happen in my life and for that, I am grateful.
Forgiving Peter is possible. It won't be easy but it is definitely possible.
Everyone deserves forgiveness.
Wow, that's so mature of you to be approaching forgiveness with so much graciousness. And even gratitude. I really need to work on the gratitude component, myself.
ReplyDeleteI disagree though, that everyone deserves forgiveness, and would instead say that forgiveness is what it is because it is un-deserved. No matter how apologetic the offending party is, they can't undo the harm they caused. Forgiveness, for me, requires mourning the past, and that it can't ever be different. It hurt, it still hurts, and my husband can't ever take that back. But I can give that grief to God, trusting that his perfect mercy and judgement will make everything right in the end. I can surrender the gavel, because God is judge, and it only hurts me to condemn him.
I definitely hope that one day I can attend one of the togetherness workshops. They sound amazing!