My counselor had to ask me if I was suicidal on Thursday and for some reason, it just hit me hard. I know I'm not. I'm glad she trusts me that I'm not. But the dark feelings that engulf me seem to sound that way.
I told her I wanted to give up, that I was done living this life. And the thing is, I don't quite know what I mean when I say that. I certainly don't mean taking my life but I also don't mean nothing---I guess I mean that I want this to stop being the life I live. I want it to start getting better.
I want the constant exhaustion to go away. I want to be able to provide and take care of my children without being so tired that I can't be a good mother to them at the end of the day. I want companionship and love and trust in my home so I'm not doing this all on my own.
My eyes are bloodshot and I had a migraine that almost caused me to vomit today. It was horrible. It was a sign of anxiety. I went through the motions at church but I didn't want to be there. Every week, I struggle to get up and take my kids. It is only through my testimony that we get there because physically and emotionally, all I want to do is stay home. I don't like being at church. I don't feel anything right now when I'm there. I'd rather sleep or do homework or spend time with my kids. But we still go because I still have a testimony that it is the right thing to do---I just wish that made it easier.
I was feeling really excited that this week, Peter's new job would allow him to take our kids three days out of the week...until he called to inform me that due to training, he actually couldn't take them at all. At all. I wanted to cry. I want to cry. I feel so overwhelmed and I just don't feel like I can make it through another week. But I will. I'll do it because my kids need me to.
I don't know how I'll do it but I will. I'll try not to worry about the dishes in the sink or the smell of mildew coming from the washer full of clothes I put through five days ago. I'll try not to worry about the fact that my six year old makes herself breakfast and packs her own lunch while I struggle to get out of bed each morning. I'll try not to worry about the amount of tv my children watch while I do homework or lay on the couch after a long day of working or being at school. I'm trying to remind myself that I'm still good enough, even though I feel like I'm failing at every single thing in my life.
It isn't always going to be this hard.
Right?
You are amazing. This is so hard. What you are doing is hard work, and it exhausting. But it will get better. Someday, it will be better.
ReplyDeleteBut first we have to trudge through the muck and suck, and it's painful, and we don't always understand why this is what is asked of us, but someday we'll understand. Someday we'll be able to look back and see just how strong we've become.
For now just know that I think you are incredible. You are already so strong, even if you don't feel like it, you are strong, and you are doing big, important, brave, wonderful things. And you will come out on top.
So much love to you!
Im in a similar situation. My soon to be ex, has only taken the kids for short 1-2 hour visits, only 8 times in the past 3 + weeks. I love my kids, but I need a break!! And I so want to tell you it won't always feel this way...but I feel the same. Its hard to imagine it getting better at this point. And I feel the same about not wanting to live this life anymore. Not that I'd really commit suicide (I couldn't do that to my kids), but I am SO DONE!!! I dont know how else to say it!
ReplyDeletePraying for you!
((HUGS))