Trust Yourself

June 21st, 2013: I feel extremely lonely tonight. Peter is sick and I haven't seen him in 24 hours. I've been taking care of the kids all by myself. I hate feeling alone. I wish Peter were here with me. This will be the second night in a row we're spending apart because "he doesn't want to get us sick".

June 22nd, 2013: This morning, Peter finally came back and within 30 seconds, he was yelling and swearing at me and then he stormed out and left the house again. I honestly don't even know what I did. I started feeling sick and I was laying down. Maybe that's why he was mad? I sometimes wonder why I married a jerk. It's too late now but I hate that he's always sick but if I even get sick for a day, he can't take over and be more helpful. I'm so angry at him right now. I've been in charge of the kids for a few days by myself and he just left when I'm not feeling well.

The last few months of our marriage, he would get sick a lot. Oh, wait, let me change that. The last few months of our marriage, he would get "sick" a lot. Yeah, I went there...

June 23rd, 2013: If I felt there was a way for me to be a stay at home mom and divorce Peter, I'd probably do it tonight. This weekend has been horrible. He is constantly speaking inappropriately in front of the kids. He told me he will keep calling the kids brats if they're acting that way and he often disrespects me. Tonight, the only reason I am not leaving is because I want to be home with my kids. Is this how my marriage is always going to be? I feel alone and discouraged. I've been so sad all weekend.

Reading old journal entries, I am reminded of how lonely I felt in my marriage. This is a fact I often forget and I'm extremely grateful for my journals. I've read through five of them in the past two days, ranging from the time we started dating to last week's entries. My journals help me remember facts I wouldn't otherwise remember, like the times my husband was in severe addict mode but I didn't understand what that even meant.

Now I understand it. Now I hear about women who endure these things in their marriages knowingly. I understand that marriage can be messy, as mine was a lot of the time.

The thing is, as much as I hear about women enduring these rollercoaster marriages, I know there are thousands more who are enduring it silently. I did that for a long time. Because I didn't understand my marriage, I didn't tell anyone how bad I was feeling and how alone I was. I knew my parents would be on his side---they had made that clear since the beginning of my marriage. My sisters would get upset about anything I would hint but they were too emotionally involved and would've gone to my parents if I would've confided in them.

So I was silent. I would cry myself to sleep. I would get horrible anxiety about things I didn't understand. I was put on medication for anxiety because I couldn't handle small tasks. I've now heard this referred to as "Drowning Woman Syndrome". What I felt was real. I felt like my life was falling apart before it physically fell apart. I felt unable to handle life because I was so confused about why I was feeling what I was feeling.

It was a lonely time. Extremely lonely time.

I hope you haven't experienced this but if you have, please know that you aren't alone---and you aren't crazy. Feeling out of control in a seemingly stable world is not you being crazy---it is you recognizing signs.

Trust yourself.

I didn't trust myself and it was horrible. I taught myself to rely on my husband and I decided I was the crazy one and that everything going wrong was because of me.

The term I use for this is "bat shit crazy". If you've felt this, you are currently nodding your head or laughing or maybe close to tears because it is a brutal feeling.

But trust it.

"Feel the fear and do it anyway."

I remember feeling guilty after our separation because I was beginning to feel less anxious. I was confused and wondered why this was happening but I get it now.

As I read those old journals, I breathe a sigh of relief that I no longer feel my heart is at risk in my home. I am ultra-terrified of single life and my future and getting in another relationship and trust---but I am not terrified of being in my home with my children because I trust the Spirit we have built into that home.

I still get angry. I still cry sometimes. But my home is my safety now. We stay home more than we ever did before and that is because I trust the four walls where I am raising my children.