I used to think I wanted to be in a household like this. I grew up seeing my mom and the amazing housewife she is and I wanted to be just like her. I wanted to cook and clean and raise children. It looked so glamorous from my young point of view.
But the difference between Peter's family and mine stems from the patriarch's point of view. In our household, my parents were equal. In Peter's household, his dad was the boss.
Often times, we would visit and I would witness scenes that would make me cringe. I would hear harsh words spoken about Pan's mom from his dad and also from his younger brothers. They were being raised in this environment to believe this was the norm.
Peter often had to promise me this wouldn't be us. I am too headstrong to be subservient. I am his equal. I may end up a stay at home mother but I would be his partner, his equal partner. Peter always reassured me this was the case, although I still found it odd that he would defend the way his parents' did things.
His parents and I have never completely seen eye to eye because there have been times I've spoken out against the things said in their household when I cannot stand the emotional abuse one more second. They always knew I was strong-willed. Peter's mom would joke about "the teenager I used to be" often, as if she knew anything about my teenage years. We may have grown up attending the same church but Peter's mom has no idea what I endured in high school---just that I was rebellious.
Because of our not-so-wonderful relationship {and that fact that they have an incredible relationship with two of Peter's brother's wives...awesome}, it was weird trying to figure out where we stood after Peter left me. I knew I wasn't going to cultivate a relationship with them any longer but they are still the grandparents of our children and I have our children the majority of the time.
A week after we separated, Peter took our daughter to visit his family, who live an hour away from us, for the weekend. Upon their return, I received a call from the one sister-in-law I get along with telling me that my mother-in-law had been talking about how horrible it was that I kicked Peter out because he wasn't attending church. I mean, what Christ-like wife would do such a thing?! I sighed and grunted as I tried to figure out what my next move would be.
At the time, I was so incredibly worried about Peter. I was still in love. I wanted him to come home. I wanted this mess to work out in the end. In my mind, he would tell his family what he wanted but his parents needed to know the truth because he would be needing their support. So I wrote them a letter.
And tonight as I was moving my bed from one wall to the other, I found the letter on the floor. I never did send it because I could never find the right wording. But here was the first draft:
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Pan,
I've been wanting to sit down and write this letter since the day Peter moved out. I need you guys to know certain events, not because I need your support but because I know your son needs you.
Peter and I had a conversation after Labor Day weekend where he eluded that he told his family our separation was mutual. You need to know that isn't true. Four weeks ago, I was sitting at home on a Saturday with our kids while Peter was at work. Things had seemed to be remarkably better in our marriage the past couple of months and I remember thinking how blessed I was. In the afternoon, I received a warning from the Holy Ghost that I needed to check on Peter at work. I put the kids in the car and we drove to his work and his car wasn't there. I called him and he said he couldn't talk because he was working. I know angels were with me because I was not my normal, feisty self. I calmy confronted him about his lie and he admitted that he was hanging out with friends. He proceeded to tell me that he wasn't happy in our marriage and that he wanted a divorce. I was completely blindsided. I asked him to meet me at home and I dropped our kids off with my sister.
We talked for a while at home and Peter decided he wanted a separation. He told me he no longer loves me or cares about me. I told him to take a month to make his decision, even though his mind seemed to be made up already. He told me marriage shouldn't be this hard and that he didn't want to keep working at it.
When he left, I was not emotionally stable enough to pick up the kids and so I went to the temple to find peace.
Over the last four weeks, I have found that peace. Everyone seems confused as to how I'm doing so well but I know it is because I've never felt closer to the Spirit. That isn't to say I'm happy about any of this or that every day is great. I still have hard days and I've told Peter numerous times that I'm willing to work on our marriage. I understand the covenants I made six and a half years ago and I'm willing to keep them but there isn't anything I can do if Peter does not want to be married to me.
It has been a hard year since Peter decided to stop going to church. I have seen so many changes in him in that year that have made me worry about him. He has admitted that I didn't catch him the first time he lied about being at work. He is very closed off and I can see that he is unhappy. That is why I'm writing you this letter. I don't want anyone to be upset with him for leaving me. He needs you guys now more than ever before. He needs reminders that you love him and that God loves him. He needs support. He also needs help regaining the testimony he had when we got married. He would never tell you this but he has had a hard time watching all of the help you guys give to his brothers and sister. Often times he has told me he doesn't feel as important as his siblings to you guys. I'm praying that you'll be able to show him the love he wouldn't accept from me. I will always care about him and I pray he finds the happiness he is searching for.
Please keep this information between us. I don't mind that he is telling people it was a mutual decision or that it was my decision. I know he is saying that because he is afraid of being abandoned by his family. I know you love him and want what's best for him. Peter and I have discussed not talking badly about each other so that our kids can someday heal from all of this. I pray everyone in both families can do the same. Thank you.
-Wendy-
I'll never send that letter. I don't feel as strongly as I did back then to protect him. I've been open about this being his decision. I've learned that in order for me to heal, I needed to own my side of the story and that means not allowing him to lie about what happened.
They have since learned that he left me, although I don't think they'll ever fully believe it. But that's ok. All I can do is tell my story and hope they give their son the love that he needs. Aside from that, I can do nothing for him.
This divorce has been a learning curve for all of us. I have seen firsthand how insensitive people can be---including and mostly limited to Peter's mom. I've been hurt by her multiple times throughout this mess but every time, I've stood back up and confronted her about her behavior.
I haven't had contact with his family in months. Of course, just this week my mom received a message from his mom for my dad to call Peter's dad. Uhh...my dad did not call him. I wish I could figure out what that conversation would've been about but I probably never will and that's ok.
I hope Peter's family continues to rally around him, more than they've ever done before. I hope they show him the love he deserves as an equal member of their family. I often pray for that because Peter deserves what the rest of his siblings have---and I've never understood why he wasn't privileged to receive it.
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