I am calling out for help tonight through my blog that I'm sure 3 people read. I fear what my brain says tonight. I fear that I have cut almost all of the strings I had attached for safety.
I was sick this weekend and unwillingly threw up a few times. I went to church today still feeling a bit nauseous so I didn't eat beforehand and I slept in and missed an hour of church---did I mention church starts at 10:00am?
As I walked the halls, I was getting stopped over and over again by women asking me how I've lost so much weight. At first, I felt awkward. Would they like to know what my real secret has been? But after the first two stops, I started to feel good. I felt a little more confident and a lot more beautiful. I felt the attention and I soaked it in.
And I couldn't bring myself to keep food down the rest of the day.
So tonight I tried to reel in my safety nets by reading my journal and as I read a few key entries, I remembered.
I remembered the night I blacked out in my own bathroom and all I could do was crawl into my bed and hope I'd be awake the next morning.
I remembered the times I would be running at the gym and my vision would blur as I pushed my body beyond what it should've been capable of doing.
But most of all, I remembered the night I broke. I had gone out to eat with my sister and although I needed to go to the grocery store before picking up my kids, I stopped at home to purge what I'd eaten because I had become so obsessed with my eating disorder that I couldn't handle letting food sit in my body. As I walked through the store that night, I could hardly stand up straight. I felt weaker than I'd ever felt before. I feared passing out and I prayed over and over that it wouldn't happen in public. I couldn't walk more than a few feet without needing to stop and talk myself through the moment so I'd stay coherent. I was scared. I was more scared than I ever remember being.
And in my moment of weakness, I hurt the heart of a friend. I panicked and became selfish because I was worried about my body functioning. I feared my own self and it was the biggest wake up call I'd had up until that point. In that moment, I was my own enemy.
I thought I had lost a friend that night and I thought I had lost myself. But instead my friend did things she shouldn't have had to do and she talked me through my hell and trusted that I would want to recover.
I lived through that experience and I'm grateful for that. I am grateful for friends and recovery and God. I am grateful for my second and third and fifteenth chances.
Tonight I need to be reminded of why I'm recovering. I need to be reminded that I don't want to be back there. I am much happier where I am right now. I share those experiences to show you why I'm fighting. Those are very painful and vulnerable experiences for me to share. When each of them happened, I swore I would never tell a single person. I was ashamed of who I was and the choices I was making. I was ashamed of the selfishness because that is not who I am.
I am not a selfish person. I love helping other people. I hate the person my eating disorder turns me into. I don't want to be her. That isn't the real Wendy.
But it is so hard to fight when I'm surrounded by people who care so much about appearance. It isn't their fault---it's just the world we live in. I find myself sucking my stomach in as far as I can handle it and pinching the fat under my arms and sticking my chin out, all in an effort to look a certain way so people will like me.
I wish I could trust that people like me no matter what. It's just scary to trust that when I struggle to like myself.
I am trying. Tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to try my damndest to be strong and fight the things ed tells me. I want to challenge them. I really do.
I promise I'll keep trying.
I know it's hard, but it's courageous to take a hard look at yourself when we get back in that disordered mindset. You don't want that crazy back. You want health, mind and body, and it's worth fighting for! I know it's so tough living this culture, but we know there is better than thin! Perfection is the lie that drives up to neurosis, but we can reject it. There's self-love, self-acceptance, health, contentment, serenity, even joy.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, this: http://www.beautyredefined.net/when-you-look-so-skinny-does-more-harm-than-good/ (Have I mentioned how much I LOVE bR? I LOVE bR!)
ReplyDeleteLadies, let's agree on something: complimenting about weight loss is NEVER a good idea. We have no idea what is behind it. We don't know if they're grieving or depressed or have cancer. We don't know if they are having a hard time in their relationship, and they're trying to lose weight to be back in his good graces-- only to have our compliments confirm that we were, in fact, less than in value before. Even if they're TRYING to lose weight, we don't know if it's healthy or too consuming or whatever.
What we do know is this:
We are more than our bodies. Our bodies are tools to use to love and laugh and do things while we're here. It allows us to serve and go to church and play with our babies and hug our precious ones when their hearts hurt. It doesn't matter what it looks like-- it is the vessel that contains US. ALL OF US. The hearts of us that will make the impact on the world around us. WHO we are will leave our mark, not how chiseled our abs are.
You are amazing. You are a valiant woman, an inspiring mother, a nurturing friend, and just an all around incredible person. None of those things will change if you gain or lose ten pounds. None of those things will change if you get into an accident tomorrow and lose a leg. The only thing that can rob you of those things is allowing yourself to believe that you are LESS THAN those things. That your worth is determined by a reflection, others' perception of how you look, your perception of others' perception of how you look. When you let that happen, YOU ROB YOU. AND THE WORLD. And that's just so unfair.
So much love to you.