The Crazy Train

I don't even want to talk about it.

I mean, obviously I do because I'm here right now but I still don't know why I'm writing---because I don't want to talk about it.

BLAH. CURSE WORDS. ANGRY EYEBROWS.

Pan thinks I'm crazy. Whatever. I guess I already knew that. But then I found out someone in his family who I love so dearly and whom I've kept a relationship with (with his permission...I guess) thinks I'm crazy---like literally crazy, the bad kind of crazy.

I know. It's his family. They should be on his side.

But he's an effing porn addict who has made me feel crazy for seven years. I want this DONE! I want him GONE! I want to stop feeling crazy! BUT I STILL FEEL CRAZY!

Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I did overreact a lot of times when we were married. But I didn't overreact about his pornography addiction or his alcohol addiction or any other detrimental choice he has made that affected him leaving our family.

I will never condone the lies. I don't care how crazy I act. Protecting my children and myself is priority over how crazy Peter thinks I am.

And I guess other people can think I'm crazy too. It'll hurt and I don't know if I'll ever get used to it but I also can't change it.

It hurts tonight. It won't hurt forever but it hurts tonight.

Maybe I was already sensitive today. Maybe it normally wouldn't have bothered me this much. But my family acted really stupidly when I excitedly told them I have my first date set up for next Tuesday. I guess I was expecting more but no one was very excited. No one. Their reactions really sucked this time. I left feeling really stupid for thinking I could be that daughter who is super open about her life with her parents and siblings---I don't think I'll ever be that girl.

My mom begs and begs for me to open up to her but when I do, it almost never turns out the way I wanted it to. I either get weird, stern advice and caution or she becomes super overbearing. I feel like I'm finally trying but it just doesn't work the way I want it to. One of my sisters even said it seemed kind of awkward to talk about.

BLAH. CRAZY!

It's midnight. I need to park this crazy train at the station and shut my eyes and my brain for the night. Tomorrow will feel better. You guys are excited for me, right? You guys don't think I'm mean-crazy, right?