The Lost Boy

I lost myself.

Marriage was supposed to be a place where I found myself and was able to trust in who I was.

But I didn't.

A few years into my marriage, I lost who I was. I became Peter's wife. I wasn't funny to him. I was just a stay at home mom. I didn't feel like much nor did Peter treat me like I was much.

I'd leave the house with friends and see glimpses of who I used to be but it wasn't the same. I still wasn't me. I was often worried about the future because Peter didn't know how to grow up. Peter couldn't provide for us the way he always talked about doing.

Peter was a lost boy. Peter is a lost boy.

Lately Peter has been so nice. We talked on the phone about all of the amazing things the kids are accomplishing and it felt like the old Peter---the guy I married. I was confused because talking to him made me smile. I wanted to push it down and throw it away because I just cannot handle the confusion of Peter.

And then tonight, I had asked Peter a sincere question via text message and he threw some of the stupidest, nastiest comments back at me.

This is life.

But I learned something after our petty conversation tonight. I am not lost like Peter anymore. I am a different person---the same person but stronger, smarter, and more caring. I don't let Peter's crazy bother me the same way it used to when we were married.

When we were married, I would worry about which Peter was going to walk in the door at the end of the day. Would it be the kind, caring Peter or the irate, impatient Peter? I'd wait for it every night. I'd hope it was the kind Peter because I was usually exhausted from being with the kids all day but more times than not, it would be the impatient Peter. He would walk in, complain about work, and retreat to the bedroom for the rest of the night. I'd get no help, no sympathy, and certainly no physical affection.

I think about those nights and wonder how often Peter was viewing pornography in our bedroom, while our children ran around the family room and I sat on my computer because I was in dire need of a break. I wonder how many times he was choosing fake women over a real wife.

I'm real. They are not. Pornography is mechanical love. I am real love.

Peter has complained that it happened because I wasn't there for him. I was doing things for the kids too often and I didn't give him any attention. I used to believe him but when I think back, I realize just how wrong Peter is. He didn't even give me a chance. He wrote me off because I was the mother and the housewife. He chose mechanical over real because he was addicted, not because I wasn't there for him. I've learned about addiction and realized that it doesn't matter how often I would've thrown myself at Peter, he still would've struggled. He still would've looked at pornography.

Real love lost and in the process, I was left to feel alone and deserted most nights.

Sometimes when I'm feeling extremely alone as a divorced woman, I remember back to when I was alone in my marriage.

Being alone is really hard for me. It's taken a lot for me to get to a place where I like my independence. I crave romantic relationships because I have faith that I can find something real---and I want to find it. But I don't know how or when or if I ever will. So right now, I'll find solace in the fact that I am liking parts of my independence. It is teaching me a lot about me. It is helping me find myself.

I may feel lost sometimes but I am not lost---because I know who I am and I have faith that there is a specific reason I am on this earth.