Control

Addiction is like a gaping wound that is hard to close.

I tried, dear friends. I promise I tried. I tried to keep my head afloat and sense when my body was feeling uneasy and question why it was happening. I tried to be ok with even the stagnant number on the scale--because stagnant is better than weight gain. I tried.

But it caught up to me. Ed's lies caught up to me.

I reached out (a very good choice for an addict) and was met with love, support, and suggestions---and every suggestion felt overwhelmingly heavy.

I bought groceries (another thing I don't do often when in addict mode) and tried to plan meals and take control.

But I still felt out of control. No matter what I do, I feel at least a little bit out of control.

Control issues, much?

As I was driving in the car the other day, a thought came to my mind. Wendy, just stop telling people about your struggles and you will continue to lose weight. Speaking out about your eating disorder is what has caused you not to lose any more weight. Speaking out has caused you to believe them over me---and who has shown you how to gain control and lose weight? I have.

It was Ed. I went back and forth with the idea to just stop telling people. I went a few days in complete addict mode. But today, I remembered how much I hate deceiving and lying and not being genuine. Addicts aren't genuine. They can't be. Everything is hidden and shameful.

Hiding is when I know I'm back in eating disorder hell again. Hiding was how this all started. I didn't tell people I was struggling on day one. I let it seep out slowly and the more it seeped out, the more I felt like I could fight this disorder.

So I'm trying to come back and I'm really scared. I am scared that this is my life and my fight. I don't like it.
I'm scared because I don't understand myself. Sometimes I am so extremely confident and it isn't an act. I can talk myself out of feeling self conscious in most situations. So why do I struggle with this particular addiction? I don't feel like I have a normal eating disorder---but really, what the hell is a normal eating disorder?! I kind of hate that they're all different because nobody can fully relate to me.

But then I remember Christ and the pain He suffered for me. Tonight, I'm going to hold really tight to that and remember His promises and sacrifices that were made specifically for me.

I don't know how I'll get through this---but I'm still hopeful that I can.