Addiction Won't Win

I've been happier lately---a real happiness that I didn't have to work as hard to find each morning. But it still isn't the lasting happiness I'm hoping for.
I went a week, a whole week, without acting on my eating disorder. It felt so huge. It felt so amazing. I've been a prisoner to the mind games of bulimia for over 8 months and I felt a little bit more free. But I also felt panicky the first few days. I also felt a lot of fear to step on a scale. I felt sadness when my clothes weren't as loose as they have been.

Since that week, I've slipped up every few days. But my goodness, when I look at where I was and where I am, one slip every few days is kind of amazing. That being said, I'm still so worried. My brain hasn't just started loving my body because I stopped throwing up. That part is still pretty prominent in my daily thoughts. I know I've gained weight and that makes me want to spiral.

Weight gain = not good enough. This is the thought I need to fix in my brain. If God can love me at any weight, why can't I love myself? And why can't I believe that someone else could love me?

I do see a brighter future ahead. I see it and I understand that it is possible. Fighting Ed is more possible than ever before and I can do this. I can love the body that is a part of me. I can love the wild, obnoxious, and often times hilarious personality within me. I can love the sensitive, compassionate, and caring side of me. There are so many pieces that make up me and I am going to learn to love each and every one of them.

Because I'm unique and I love that. I don't want to be a cookie cutter of someone else. I don't want to look or act like other people because I am not them. I want to be me and be ok with that.

My addiction will not win. I am a fighter and I'm strong enough to handle an eating disorder, an addict ex husband, two rambunctious kids, full time school, and 3 part time jobs---because I am STRONG!

I don't necessarily believe God gave me this life because He knew I could handle it. I think God gave me this life because He knew how much this life could teach me and make me a better me and He promised that He would never leave, even on the crappiest of days---wait, ESPECIALLY on the crappiest of days.

I'm going to continue to fight. It won't be perfect or pretty or the same as anyone else's fight but I can make it. I am going to make it.