Next Right Step

I spoke in church a few weeks ago. 

They didn't give me much direction so I gave them my life story. 

I didn't tell them about addiction but I told them about divorce.

I didn't tell them about the custody battle but I did tell them that I struggle to attend church because I feel like our family is broken.


My testimony still goes between "this is exactly where I'm supposed to be" and "I never want to step foot in this place again".

Someone please tell me that's normal. 


I believe the church needs my messy self in it. I truly do. Even when I don't feel like I fit in, or maybe especially when I feel like I don't fit in, I feel like I'm doing the right thing.

The church is full of messy people. 

I see it so much more now than I ever did growing up.

There is so much more grey than I ever used to think there was.

But I think grey is what makes us, us.

If everything was black and white, it'd probably look more like Satan's plan.

But because we get to choose for ourselves and because God made us individuals with different views and opinions, our world is full of grey.

I like that thought. I really do. 

I like the grey. Because it makes us unique.

And I like being unique because it makes me feel more needed on earth---like my specific personality and opinions and ideas are helpful to others on this earth.

I think that's why I take it so hard when my people get hurt---and even harder when I feel responsible for that hurt.

It is pretty important to me that I'm helpful, that I'm looking for ways to help others feel good about themselves. In fact, that very last phrase is in my patriarchal blessing.

It is a testament to how well my Heavenly Father knows me. He knows I am capable of lifting others and that lifting others helps me lift myself too.

So even though I'm a messy person and I sometimes want to run away, I am not going to.

I am not going anywhere. 

I have been active in the LDS church for a YEAR now. An entire year! 

My prayers were answered a week after Thanksgiving in 2016. 

Because last Thanksgiving, after hearing about my kids spending the holiday with (in my daughter's words) "their possible new mom", I completely broke. And I cried for days and allowed myself to sink so low.

And it was at this low point that I was finally able to listen and hear what God was saying. I went to Him with absolute humility {and a dash of anger} and told Him I would do anything and be anything and say anything---I just needed Him to tell me what the next right step was. 

This past year, I've lived by that "next right step" rule and it has gotten me through some of the ugliest moments of 2017.

And I'm realizing there are always going to be ugly moments. 

But if I keep my focus on my Heavenly Father, I will never fall short of that next right step.