Don't. Give. Up.

I tried to compromise.

I tried to give up more than I was willing so that this would just be over.

I want it to stop---and I do not want to go to trial.

But my compromises weren't good enough because Peter only wanted 50/50. There was nothing else I could offer that he would agree to.

Even when the mediator told him that 50/50 was not possible with his work schedule. Even when she tried to show him that he was being unreasonable.

He would not back down.

And now we are going to trial.

Four years after divorce, I am now headed into a court battle for the very first time.

I wish he cared about how much this hurts everyone involved. Everyone. Including himself.
It hurts all of our relationships because trial means we dig into each other's lives.

I wish I could just talk to him but, you know, lawyers are the ones who talk when you're this far into a custody battle.

I wish I could protect our kids and I wish that what they want mattered in all of this.

2017---I hate you. 
I hate you like I did 2013 and 2015.
Except I really don't hate you. 
Because if I erased this one piece---their marriage and the request to change custody---everything else has been beautiful.

But that one little thing has bled into so many other things---my plans to continue foster care, the children's extracurricular activities, school, etc.

That one little thing isn't quite so little. 

No.

In fact, today it feels quite big.