Another December

Hi. It’s been a year. 

Did you miss me? Probably not. 😂 

I was reading through the last post on this blog and remembering what a year ago felt like—how frustrating it was to watch my son’s biological parents give up on fighting for him. 

The story pretty much ended there. After last December’s court hearing, Cubby’s bio mom never saw him again. 

Because of some mistakes made by the attorney, our adoption story took a little bit longer than planned but we adopted our boy in October of this year. 

I now have THREE children—and still no husband. 

Christmas can be such a lonely time. I definitely seem to struggle more around this holiday season. 

We made some huge changes this year that brought our family closer together. But I still go to bed and feel alone at night and wonder if I will ever be good enough for another man. I try really hard not to base my self-worth on whether I am in a relationship but it is really hard. 

Six years ago, I wasn’t the only one out of my friends whose relationship status changed from married to single. Not necessarily close friends, but friends/acquaintances nonetheless. And I often compare my life to their’s and wonder why I am the only one that has never been in a relationship since then. Is it because I’m not pretty enough? Skinny enough? Is it because I am a Mormon? or maybe it is because I am not a strong enough Mormon. Is it because of my personality? Gosh, what is it? 

It bothers me from time to time. I don’t think about it throughout each day and it definitely does not consume my life but that doesn’t mean I don’t think and wish my life looked different. 

I am a single mother. And yes, I adopted a baby on my own. And that doesn’t make sense to a lot of people. But even though I know it was right to adopt my son, I really wish he had a dad. I really wish I wasn’t embarking on a career while raising three young children on my own. It is so scary. The last of my college adventure starts in January, where I get to work a job for 14 weeks without getting paid a single penny. At the same time, I am expected to pay all of my bills and support three children on my own. At the same time, I am expected to be on time to pick my children up from school and day care and take them to their various activities.

That all starts in less than three weeks. And I am panicking. I am so damn scared that I am going to fall short as a mother, as a breadwinner, and as a freaking human being. What if I fail? What if I can’t do all of the things, all at once? 

My anxiety is high. Some days, I just wish I could run away with my children and not do these hard adulting things. I just want to be a mom. I just don’t want to fall short. 

I can’t voice all of these things to my closest friends and family because they don’t understand. I constantly feel like my life as a foster mom and adoptive mom doesn’t make sense because I am placing more stress on myself. But every time I pray about it, I get this overwhelming feeling like I’m supposed to be a foster mom. 

I am sure I sound crazy. What’s new? 

I miss my older kids right now. I am sure that is why my emotions are heightened. I hate sharing holidays. I hate sharing any time with their dad. I know they need him but I still selfishly want them with me all of the time. 

I need friends who are closer and more available. I don’t have that right now. I do have amazing friends but not ones that are close and available. I try really hard to mask some of the darkness that I feel because I watch other single moms and feel like somehow, they are just doing it better. They have their people. 

There is this part of me that believes I have my people. There is this part of me that tries to ask for help and reach out. And then there is this other part of me that doesn’t want to ask for help because I usually feel let down when person upon person upon person isn’t available to help. Belle moved away and I don’t have a relationship like that with anybody else. I don’t think anybody would understand what a huge loss that was. And then she made new friends and it all just feels so different. 

Sometimes I look back to three or four years ago, when the actual relationship between myself and Peter was a lot harder. And I wish we could go back to that because at least I had more people who saw me. I wish I could go back to that because back then, my relationship with religion was less complicated. 

I love my life and my children. But it is so hard. These nights, the nights where the demons come out in my brain, are so hard for me because there is no one I can reach out to and talk to. I’m just alone. 

My fear is that I will always be alone. 

December Court

They said it was supposed to be a severance hearing.

They told me everyone agreed.

But then, on the morning of the hearing, they changed their minds.

Not enough time has passed. 
We won't win if we try to sever right now. 
She needs more time. 

I thought I was walking in to a court hearing for a severance and adoption case plan change. I thought we were starting the process of adopting our Cubby. For some stupid reason, I thought we would be the exception to the rule that 'everything is messy in foster care and adoption cases'.

Ha...ha...ha...

I feel stupid for even thinking that.

Cubby's bio mom knew they were going to ask for a case plan change and she seemed happy when they changed their minds the day of court. She had every right to be happy. I'm not mad at her. Really, I'm not mad at anyone.

But on the day of court, she let the caseworker know that she would be moving to Tucson two days later. And since then, she's been MIA and is not coming to visits.

We think she is running away because she doesn't want DCS to take her unborn baby when he/she is born.

It's not even that I wanted that baby. But I am sad she is making that choice. Because there are so many safety issues and I am praying that baby is safe after birth.

I'm frustrated that they didn't change our case plan and instead of that pushing bio to work harder, she ran away and is no longer even coming to see Cub.

Maybe I should be happy. It seems that adoption was going to happen and this will only help our case but I'm not happy. I'm sad that neither of Cubby's biological parents get to know how amazing and hilarious and adorable he is. I'm sad that they aren't fighting for him every second that they can.

I'm willing to do whatever it takes to give him the most beautiful life but it still breaks my heart. It's still hard to be riding this rollercoaster.

But it's worth it. With every fear and every hard court hearing (they asked me to speak at this most recent one), I know I am doing what it takes to fight for my boy.


I wish you all could know him. He is the happiest baby in the world. He has the cutest dimples and the chubbiest thighs, blue eyes and a beautiful darker skin tone. I never knew it would be possible to love someone else as deeply as I love my older two children but Cubby has shown me that it is possible.

He is loved no differently than if he had come from my own womb. He is my buddy when the older kids go to their dad's house. He keeps me busy and makes me smile.

I love this boy and will fight for him as best I can for however long I can.

And hopefully that is forever.

Miracle Baby

Dear Cubby, 

It's already been another month. 

Another month of loving you and raising you. 

We have become so complacent. I feel like you are mine and I believe that nothing will change that. 

But I'm scared of the complacency. I'm scared that I'm going to get the rug pulled out from underneath my feet. 

Your caseworker wants you here with us. So did your last one. And so do your therapist and your lawyer. And because I hear so many stories about caseworkers and lawyers pushing for reunification even when it may not make sense, I feel like God gave us these people who can see where you are meant to be. 

Your case has two big developments from the past month. 

The first one being that your birth father wants to willingly sever his rights from you---and from your baby brother or sister. Which brings me to the next huge development...

You are going to be a big brother. 

I don't say that with an exclamation point, even though as I typed it, that's how I read it in my mind. I'm just still trying to wrap my head around it all. It's sad. And it's crazy. And it's a tiny bit exciting but it's also not really something that should be exciting. I just hope that somehow, someway, you will get to have this sibling in your life. 

It's hard to imagine that at 11 months old, you will become a big brother. It's also hard to imagine what decision we will make at that time if (but more likely when) your baby brother or sister goes into foster care. 

It's ok that I don't know what to do. Because God knows. And I'm preparing myself as best I can to be ready for whatever He wants us to do. 

It makes me sad that your birth father has not seen you since you were 6 weeks old and that he doesn't get to know how amazing you are. 

It makes me sad that your birth mother loves you but will most likely never be capable of raising you. 

But it makes me happy that this is where you landed---that I got a miracle call on Easter Sunday and that I got to meet you. 

I know this won't be an easy journey for you for many reasons. 

I know it won't be easy to grow up without a full understanding of why you aren't being raised by your biological parents. I know it won't be easy being raised by a full Caucasian family when you are biracial (African-American & Caucasian, we believe). 

But I promise you that I will be there for you every step of the way. I promise to walk with you in the hard times. 

Every day, I am in awe of you, my miracle baby boy. 

Because the fact is---and this is heart-wrenching for me to type---you were an attempted abortion. And you survived abuse in utero that flashes through my mind almost daily. They tell me your birth father did not want another child and that he was angry. They tell me your birth mother was most likely taken advantage of because of her low mental capacity. They tell me this case is way more complicated than it was when you were first born and they told me you'd be with me for "maybe a few weeks" because your birth parents seemed fine and they just needed to prove safe housing for you. 

And I am telling you right now, Bear Cub, if nothing else proved that God sees us all individually, THIS DOES. Because He protected you. He loves you. 

And you are truly a miracle. 

I'll love you forever, my happy, baby boy. You are such a bright light in my life and I am thankful for you every day. 

Sincerely, 

Your Momma

Dearest Bear Cub

To My Dearest Cubby, 

I don't think I knew it was possible to love someone as equally as I love my biological children. A huge part of that makes me so happy because you deserve every ounce of love you are given. At the same time, it scares me wholeheartedly.

I went to my very first court hearing for you last week. I haven't felt anxiety like that in probably six months and it was hard for me. I wanted them to tell me you would be mine forever but they didn't. They couldn't.

Your biological father showed up. The man who walked out of you life when you were only six weeks old has now changed his mind. And so the judge gave him a second chance. I've learned that judges do that---not because they don't care about your well-being, even though it kinda feels that way.

I got to meet your biological mother. She loves you, Cub. I can tell that she does. And if love alone was all that was required, you would be living with her. But safety trumps love. And I am grateful the court understands that like I do.

I left the courthouse and cried for your mother because it isn't very likely that she will be capable of raising you. I cried for how much that will break her heart. I cried for the mental health and addictions that have taken over her life.

Cubby, you light up my life and every day, I pray that you will be my son forever. I believe you are supposed to be a part of our family. 

You are my baby boy. You beam when I walk in a room and cry when I walk away. You are content when I am snuggling you and you give the biggest laughs to your older brother and sister. You roll both ways and weigh over twenty pounds and love your bouncer/saucer that plays music. You have dimples and squishy rolls and the curliest hair.

Even though the court hearing didn't go as planned, it didn't go the other way either. The judge was pretty straightforward and I appreciated that. We will all meet again in three months to determine if your case plan changes to severance at that time.

Bear Cub, I just want the best life for you. And I cannot imagine living this life without you in it. But if I am not what's best for you, I'll live with the heartbreak of losing you. Because you deserve the best life you're capable of having.

Sincerely, 

Your Mommy 

Cubby

I am not ready to talk about this on my regular blog or post about it on social media.

So lucky you. You get to be the first to read this part of my story.

On April 1st, 2018, I received a phone call from DCS about a two-day-old baby who needed a home. I quickly said I'd take him, even though he was so little and couldn't go to daycare for six more weeks. I just felt like he was supposed to be in our home.

Not twenty minutes after I finished that phone call, a tiny newborn was brought into my home and I found myself staring at him and wondering how anyone could ever top this moment in my life.

Cubby was born marijuana-exposed but came to me with minimal withdrawal symptoms. His first night, he was up every 20-30 minutes and I believe that is because he didn't recognize the sounds or smells in our home. I believe he knew he wasn't with the familiarity of his birth mother.

Since then, Cubby has become an amazing sleeper. And really, he has become just all-around amazing! He smiles, giggles, coo's, rolls, and is an amazing eater. At 4 months old, he weighed almost 18 pounds. This kid takes his food seriously. :)

When Cubby first came to our home, we were told he would only live here for a few weeks while they helped his birth mother figure out how to get safe housing, etc. After those few weeks, they called and asked me if I would be ok with him staying longer because the case had changed to a more long-term situation.

Of course, I said yes.

I've had many nights where I've snuggled Cub in my arms and cried over losing him, wondering if the next day would be our last. I have felt like he is my son from the very beginning but have not opened up to very many people about those feelings.

About a month ago, Cubby's caseworker came over and said that at 6 months old, she was going to put in for a change of case plan to sever birth mom's rights. Birth mom is having a hard time showing up to visits or remembering to do the things she needs to even begin the journey back to raising her son. This also isn't her first severance in the past 12 months.

I kind of couldn't believe what the caseworker was saying but I just came home that night and prayed for everything to work out in Cubby's best interest.

And then last week, his new caseworker and his lawyer came over for a meeting and both stated that in less than 3 weeks, they are recommending the judge change the case plan to severance. From there, mom will have 30 days to appeal or decide to sign over her rights.

Three weeks.

Cubby will be 5 months old at this time.

As soon as the lawyer and caseworker left my home, I found myself sobbing and squeezing my baby boy so tightly. It was a mixture of pure joy, realizing he may very well be my legal son, while also realizing that when they tell birth mom this news, she will be devastated.

It is hard to watch someone with severe mental health disabilities want to parent a child but not be capable of doing so. It is so, so hard.

On the other hand, adoption was never really on my radar when I became a foster parent. I had no idea why Heavenly Father had called me to become a foster parent a year and a half ago.

Now I think I know.

I am afraid to say this out loud, for fear of being wrong and losing my boy, but I believe that Cubby is supposed to be my son. I believe we have a special bond and that God sent him to me so that I could keep him safe and loved and also, so that I could eventually be there for his birth mom.

I think that is my calling right now. I think he is supposed to be my third baby.

And time will tell, I guess. If I am wrong, it is going to rip my heart out but in the end, giving Cubby the safety and security that we have provided him is worth any heartache the rest of us have to face.

2018 has been a year of miracles and huge changes. I am in awe of all that Heavenly Father has done for me this year. He has reminded me just how important I am individually to Him.

The truth is, God loves each of us individually. He has a plan for us. He wants each of us to survive and thrive throughout our lives.

Right now, Cubby is a huge part of why I am thriving. He has brought a peace to our home that is undeniable.

And so, every night, I will pray for Heavenly Father to help us have peace with whatever plan He has for Cubby's life.

Because He surely does have a plan.

Belle

Some days, I just want to run away because I don't believe that I'll ever be good enough. I don't think I'll ever be doing all of the things I'm supposed to be doing to be an emotionally and physically and spiritually healthy person.

There is always some way in which I am failing and I am really good at recognizing that.

My therapist told me we are digging deeper into my feelings regarding Belle moving two hours away. Probably because I waited until five minutes before our session was over to start letting my emotions out and actually talk about it all. I do that a lot with harder topics. And Belle moving away has been a harder topic because it makes me feel stupid. I feel weak and stupid that a friend moving two hours away affects me this much.

This loss makes sense based on my past relationships. I definitely have abandonment issues. But it just makes me so angry that it all stems back to my abandonment trauma with Peter and I hate how everything in my life seems to stem back to that awful time in my life.

I lost Peter. I lost Alice. And now I lost Belle. This sounds like an incredibly stupid Disney movie gone bad.

But it is definitely NOT a Disney movie. Because in an actual Disney movie, I'd get those people back in the end. This would all wrap up with some amazing happily ever after. All relationships would heal and we would all sing and freaking birds would dance around in the air.

But that isn't how life works.

Instead of a happily ever after that magically wraps it all up, I am supposed to be in charge of my happily ever after. And although some days, I am doing that pretty damn well, other days, I feel like such a failure.

I know I didn't lose Belle in the same way. She is still my best friend. We still talk. But she isn't right down the street and I can't go see her any time I want.

In fact, I no longer have anyone like that around me. And that has been brutal the past few months.

Peter left me almost FIVE years ago. And here I am, still struggling to be alone. I immerse myself in teaching dance and doing homework and filling out job applications and taking care of my 4 month old (Oh, did I not mention I got a BABY on Easter Sunday who is now 4 months old?!) but when my kids are with their dad, I still go home and have no one to talk to. I take care of Cubby and that gives me a sense of purpose but unfortunately, 4-month-olds don't talk.

I haven't gone to church much since Belle moved. I feel more alone there than I have in a long time. I don't feel connected to my ward. I go because my kids need me to go. I go because I know it's the right thing to do. But I'd like to go because I want to go.

I just want to stop going through the motions. I want to try harder. But I feel so stuck in this pit of anxiety.

I feel like I'm struggling to find enough energy for self-care right now because all of my energy goes toward providing for everybody else. And I love that I get to be teaching dance and going to school and spending a lot of time with my babies---but I just need to find a better balance.