Dearest Bear Cub

To My Dearest Cubby, 

I don't think I knew it was possible to love someone as equally as I love my biological children. A huge part of that makes me so happy because you deserve every ounce of love you are given. At the same time, it scares me wholeheartedly.

I went to my very first court hearing for you last week. I haven't felt anxiety like that in probably six months and it was hard for me. I wanted them to tell me you would be mine forever but they didn't. They couldn't.

Your biological father showed up. The man who walked out of you life when you were only six weeks old has now changed his mind. And so the judge gave him a second chance. I've learned that judges do that---not because they don't care about your well-being, even though it kinda feels that way.

I got to meet your biological mother. She loves you, Cub. I can tell that she does. And if love alone was all that was required, you would be living with her. But safety trumps love. And I am grateful the court understands that like I do.

I left the courthouse and cried for your mother because it isn't very likely that she will be capable of raising you. I cried for how much that will break her heart. I cried for the mental health and addictions that have taken over her life.

Cubby, you light up my life and every day, I pray that you will be my son forever. I believe you are supposed to be a part of our family. 

You are my baby boy. You beam when I walk in a room and cry when I walk away. You are content when I am snuggling you and you give the biggest laughs to your older brother and sister. You roll both ways and weigh over twenty pounds and love your bouncer/saucer that plays music. You have dimples and squishy rolls and the curliest hair.

Even though the court hearing didn't go as planned, it didn't go the other way either. The judge was pretty straightforward and I appreciated that. We will all meet again in three months to determine if your case plan changes to severance at that time.

Bear Cub, I just want the best life for you. And I cannot imagine living this life without you in it. But if I am not what's best for you, I'll live with the heartbreak of losing you. Because you deserve the best life you're capable of having.

Sincerely, 

Your Mommy