Back When

Sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks. 

And I let my mind wander to a few months ago or a year ago when it wasn't all so painful. 

I remember back to the times where I envisioned what my future relationships would look like. I pour over old journal posts, blog posts, and any other reminders I can get my hands on that remind me how real it was. 

No matter what life is like now, it was real back then too. I was a real friend with real, genuine love for others. I had real friends and those memories are still valid. 

No matter which people have chosen to leave, when they told me I was a warrior, that was real. It was real when they looked me in the eye and told me they'd never leave---like Peter left. 

The sad thing is that I've learned that certain situations force a person to leave. There is nothing they or I can do. Some things are too painful to endure and maintain a relationship. 

So no one can promise me they will always be there for me. Because they might not be. They probably won't be. 

Life will happen. It will force relationships to break. 

If you think you're exempt from this, sadly, you're not. Everyone deals with shit. Everyone experiences pain. 

A lot of my relationships this past year had felt more genuine than the seven years I was married. Maybe that's why I've struggled to move on. Maybe that's why it has felt so painful. Maybe that's why I was so blindsided. 

I never thought anyone would hurt me like Peter did. I never thought I'd experience an array of emotional turmoil that could cause me to dive lower than I've ever been before. Was it even possible to be lower than the heartache of divorce? I didn't think so...until I experienced it. 

There is a message on my whiteboard from an old friend that reminds me that I am full of light and goodness. Ironically a few months ago, I went to erase it because it was too painful to look at but the marker used was cheap and it is stained on there. 

So I stare at it often. Sometimes I obsess over it. Sometimes it makes me smile. Other times I hate it because it feels like a lie. 

I am not here most days, in this frame of mind that thinks about the past and whether it was genuine. Most days I am living in the present, busy with homework or making new memories with my children. But every once in a while, I find myself here. Every once in a while, I'll remember what life was like a few months ago. Back when I didn't have fears over which of my friendships will blow up next.