Defining Moments

Life is so full of defining moments. 

I feel like there have been so many times where I've woken up on a seemingly normal day to find that God wants me to grow a little more...or a lot more. 

With each defining moment, I find myself doubting and questioning the steps I'm taking. Trust feels so scary and hard. It always has and yet, I find myself yearning to trust, fighting to hold on to anything I can get my hands on. 

It isn't until after the fall that I see the growth. 

I can remember so many times where I've bargained with God to take a trial away. Sometimes they seem so big. And when He doesn't take it away, I beg Him not to leave me during the painful process. 

And He never has. He is always there, even if His presence seems silent. 

It's extremely scary to trust people. It's always something I want to do but it's also something that brings me anxiety. I feel like I do my best. And sometimes, when I don't feel like I'm able to trust on my own, I pray to my Heavenly Father for the strength not to over analyze life and to discern whether I am making the right decisions. 

My mind has been running nonstop the past 48 hours. Nonstop. Maybe I should chalk that up to the Zoloft prescription that got messed up at the pharmacy, leaving me with no anti-anxiety meds for eight days. But I don't really believe that's it. I think I'm just trying to trust life again and that is really hard for me. 

Because when life calms down, I feel like another huge fall is about to happen. 

I'm happy today. Anxiously happy. It isn't a perfect happiness. In fact, I feel like every few minutes, I'm talking myself down from having a mental freak out. But the truth is that I am happy. 

Happy that life seems calm. Happy that I have been given second chances. Happy that I feel my Savior's love. Happy that there is hope. 

Although trust is hard and I have been burned when trusting people, I still want to be a trusting person. I still want to see the good in everyone. I still believe there IS good in everyone. 

It's going to get easier. It's going to get better. I prayed so many nights for things to settle down, whatever the end result would look like. And it seems like maybe that prayer was answered. 

Time will tell but tonight, I am extremely grateful for the opportunity I have to be alive and learn so many things. I am grateful for friends who teach me every day. 

I am grateful that God has allowed me to recognize my warrior potential. It's been an extremely messy few years but I have faith that I can get through the messes.