I can do this, right?

I've struggled a lot with my faith in the past year but pretty deeply the past two or three months. I've wondered how God could allow life to look and feel so messy. 

I'd ask Him, "I can do this, right?" and some of the times, I'd get no answer. I'd feel completely alone. I'd sit on my couch with tears streaming down my face and wonder why I deserved so much pain. 

I must've done something. Maybe before I came to Earth? Maybe I wasn't a good enough listener? Or maybe I was just stupid enough to choose this life? 

I can do this, right?

That question pours into my head a lot. 

I've been feeling awkward this past week, like people are judging me or staring at me and on the inside, they're laughing. Laughing at my stupidity, laughing because they think I don't know that they know. 

I feel like I'm in one of those dreams where I've forgotten to put on my pants before walking into my school building. 

I feel somewhat naked and exposed, like my privacy isn't really private. Hell, like others privacy isn't really private. 

I have felt a lot of emotions but the question that I keep coming back to stays the same. 

I can do this, right? Right?

I can be brave and allow people to lash out. It's ok if they do. In fact, I'm protective of my friends too. I get it. Maybe I'd do the same thing if the tables were turned. 

I can do this, right?

I can still be vulnerable with my "safe" people even if they've messed up. We all make mistakes. All of us. Me. You. Everyone. 

I can do this, right? 

I can move on without fear of people hating me. Because if they hate me, that's their choice. And I know what they're missing out on. 

I can do this, right? 

I can remember that life isn't about how many friends I have but about making sure I am trying my hardest to love others how Christ would love them. 

But can I do this? Because it's harder than I thought. It's more vulnerable than I thought. It's scarier and lonelier than I thought. 

And giving up sounds easier. 

But is giving up better? No. 

Trying to move forward and repair the brokenness is brave and I think it'll be worth it. Realizing I can't change whatever has been done is the first step. I can't change it. I cannot reach into the cyber world and change what has happened. I can't repair every tiny aspect. But I can do my best to repair the relationships, whatever that is going to look like in the end. 

I'm scared. Really scared. I don't know where to start or how to start. 

But one thing I do know---I'm privileged enough to have some pretty amazing memories with some incredibly amazing people. They are real. It was real. And I won't be giving that up very easily. 

I can do this, right? I can walk into a room where I know at least half of the people have talked about me and I can be strong enough to love them. 

I do still love you. All of you. No matter which "you" you are. Even if I don't know you, I can love you. Genuinely, I can and I will. 

Because when it's all said and done, I've been in each of your shoes at one point or another. We all have, to some degree. We all know what rejection feels like. We all know what it feels like to think everyone is talking about you behind your back. We all know what it feels like to not be good enough. And we ALL have the power to change it, to rise above the crappy situations and love each other. 

"There isn't a person you wouldn't love if you could read their story."