Trauma

Yesterday, A Wife Redeemed asked "What does trauma feel like for you?" and I immediately knew I needed to write down my feelings on this subject.

Because this trauma is real and I often feel like I'm talking to a wall when I try to explain this to friends and family that don't understand my betrayal trauma.

They feel bad for me but they don't get it.

I've experienced emotional trauma many times in my life. As a little girl, this trauma was caused by my parents, not because they didn't love me but because they didn't understand what they were doing. I'm not angry about this. I'm sad for that little girl but I'm certainly not angry. The times my dad would make comments about my weight, he honestly believed he was helping me. He didn't hate me. He didn't want me to be self-conscious.

But it still happened. Time and time again, it still happened. And now, when I experience trauma, I go back to those childhood fears of abandonment and never being good enough for anyone. My brain flips a switch the second I am traumatized and my chest begins to tighten. I usually worry and sweat and start hating myself. I scold myself over and over and tell myself how horrible I am.

Trauma makes me spiral.

Trauma makes me feel like a stupid little girl---the stupid little girl I used to view myself as.

Trauma makes me hate me---it's hard for me to take my trauma and reflect it where it actually needs to be. My first instinct is to blame me, not the person traumatizing me.

Trauma causes me to obsessively second guess myself. I lose trust in myself. I can't think about anything else.

When Peter Pan walked out on our family, I didn't realize I was feeling trauma because I was so numb. I was angry. I wanted to be strong. I didn't want his actions to affect me.

But they did affect me. There was no way around it. My husband left me. He abandoned our eternal commitment and left---because of shame.

Trauma hit me a lot harder this time. I became smaller than I've ever felt. I felt insignificant and stupid and worthless. Everyone was always telling me how strong I am and I would smile and repeat in my head how worthless I am. Because in my mind, people don't leave people who have tons of worth.

Since that day 9 months ago, little traumas in my life escalate quickly. My chest tightening happens in a heartbeat. I can't think clearly. Everything is dark and bad and awful.

I could explain trauma to you all day but if it's something you haven't experienced, it can't make complete sense. Trauma is just, well...it's just really traumatic and it becomes a part of your life.

But I can promise you, this trauma is real. It is real and it is dark. It is not a trauma you can see but it is a trauma I can feel.