How Did I Realize Peter was a Porn Addict?

I've gotten asked this question a lot in the past week and each time, I try to answer it simply and say, "Because I just felt like I had figured it out." and although this is true, there is so much more to this story.

Peter is an angry man, when he isn't busy charming the people around him. He is scary good at being charming and he is scary good at manipulating.

Since I have a lot of friends who are either married to sex addicts or divorced from sex addicts (friends I have met through The Togetherness Project), I have heard bits and pieces and full out details of stories of these women and how their husbands' porn addictions affected their lives.

During these stories, my mind would often wander to my sex life with Peter---yes, we're going here again. I know how much you like talking about my sex life. Peter wasn't an initiator. Peter was always tired. Peter had a million excuses as to why he didn't want to have sex. These excuses included but were not limited to being overly tired from work, back injuries, sex being painful, and not being in the mood. If I wanted to think of more I could, but you get the point. Sex wasn't non-existent and Peter would often say he wanted sex more but when it came down to it, I was turned down more nights than not---which sucked for my ego because I really enjoyed sex. Are you uncomfortable yet? Hang in there, we aren't done yet.

Among his inability to decide whether he wanted more sex or less sex, Peter would almost never come to bed with me. He claimed insomnia and I would beg and plead with him to just come lay next to me so I could feel like we were close. Going to bed alone was something I hated but it was something I had done almost consistently for TWO YEARS prior to Peter leaving our family. But because I had no idea what a pornography addiction looked like, I believed the insomnia claims and I believed that Peter was just up watching movies or playing video games well into the night.

Another thing that always struck me as odd was the fact that whenever I was on Peter's computer sign in, every single thing in the history was erased. Every. Single. Thing. And when I would borrow his iPhone for anything, it was always empty of it's messages---and guess what? You don't have to erase messages on an iPhone. At first, when I told a WoPA (Wife of Porn Addict) friend about this, I told her I was relieved that this proved Peter wasn't looking at porn but she burst my bubble and told me this was quite the opposite. There is no need to erase all of your computer history unless you're hiding something.

On top of all of these things, the fact that Peter had been lying about being at work so much of the time has caused me to fixate on the theories of what in the hell he was doing in his "spare time". He claims he was hanging out with friends because he was "overwhelmed with family life". {{{ I have the urge to punch a wall every time I hear him say that }}} I asked him about this last week, specifically about infidelity, but he denied everything through his teeth. He became angry and started to gaslight and project his problems onto me. I am still on the fence about what I think of this reaction. Peter usually only becomes truly irate when I catch him in a lie.

None of these things were ever red flags, in my mind, that would cause me to speculate on Peter being addicted to pornography. They were definitely red flags regarding Peter's commitment to our marriage but I internalized all of these problems and blamed them on my inability to be a good wife. I wondered if Peter was attracted to me and whether he thought I was good enough for him. I was secretly worried that he regretted his decision to marry this woman who was fat and lazy and didn't even like to cook. What was I for him? What did I give him that he could not find somewhere else?

The answer to that question is nothing. In Peter's mind, I was an obstacle keeping him from being the person he wanted to be. I was an obstacle keeping him from doing things he wanted to do.

So he hid. He hid behind his choices and lied through his pearly whites. And I had no idea---and I don't know very many women who would have any idea in my situation. Because before you realize you were married to a pornography addict, you usually can't recognize the signs. And by the time I realized the signs could point toward him being addicted to pornography, I was already divorced from my addict husband. It's kind of a double-edged sword. But it's the kind of double-edged sword that we need to use to help others. It's the kind of pain that might be able to help someone in a similiar situation. It's the kind of heartache that might show someone else they are not alone.

I finally got the guts to ask my husband about his pornography addiction when I had so many signs right in front of me for years---approximately SIX of the seven years we were married---and guess what? It didn't hurt any less to have him confess to the things I felt I already knew. It didn't hurt any less to hear the words leave his mouth and enter my ears. Because no matter the signs, I still hoped I was wrong. I still hoped this was me being Crazy Wendy, the girl who overly obsesses over stupid things that aren't ever true.

So if you're uncomfortable with things you are seeing in your marriage, question them. Question the hell out of them and make sure you are comfortable. Being uncomfortable means something is off. Whatever that looks like in your life, you have a right to feel comfortable in your marriage. Trust your instincts and believe in yourself.

And while you're at it, go get an ice cream cone---because most likely, you have a hell of a journey ahead of you.