The All-Consuming Lies

I've been thinking a lot this weekend about pornography, my eating disorder, and Satan.
I am a part of a Facebook group of women who are wives or ex wives of porn addicts and we all struggle with eating disorders or disordered eating. I thought this group would be good for me. So many parts of it have been good for me. But I'm still new to all of this stuff.

One of my struggles with our eating disorder group is the things my eating disorder tells me about myself when I read what people post. If someone says they are struggling to force themself to eat that day, Ed tells me, "Wow, Wendy, you are so weak and fat and stupid. You are not strong enough to starve. You give in when you are hungry. And often times, you binge and then either you purge or you don't---but either way, you are a loser. Purging means you're failing at fighting me and not purging means you're going to get fat."

Ed tells me a lot of heavy things when I compare myself to the people around me. He tells me that if I lose 20 more pounds, I'll suddenly feel "good enough". He tells me that I am a horrible mother and that I am the reason Peter was addicted to pornography. He tells me that I should be more self-conscious than I currently am. When I start to feel any amount of confidence in myself, he laughs in my face and tells me the people who say nice things about me are doing so because they feel sorry for me. It's so hard to believe that people say things because they truly mean them. It is so scary to trust people.

At church today, a loud and bubbly woman asked me how I'm getting so skinny. I looked at her with bewilderment. Me? Skinny? Ha! But I told her a friend had referred to this as the "divorce diet" because I just don't have an appetite right now because of stress. It was a lie. I hate lying. I wanted to tell her how I'm struggling with an eating disorder---and not just "an eating disorder" but bulimia, an eating disorder that doesn't come with loss of appetite very often. I wanted to tell her how I hate the girl I see in the mirror. But I have no idea what to say in these situations. I am not ready to just be "the girl with the eating disorder" or "the girl with the eating disorder because her addict husband left her". I want more of an identity than that and I'm afraid if I tell my real story in the middle of my struggle, I will get lost somewhere in there. When I'm stronger and have the confidence to help others with all of this, I know I will be able to tell my story and still be Wendy.

 I'm still here fighting. I still remember my wake up call from two weeks ago. I still remember my meeting with my parents last week. But today, my choices are equivalent to what they would have been two weeks ago. Ed is screaming in my ears how ugly I am. He is yelling at me for thinking my friends are supportive because they like me as a person and not because of pity. I don't feel strong enough to fight him today but I'm trying to do it anyway. I have prayed that Ed leaves me alone and that my Heavenly Father with give me strength to downsize the lies my eating disorder wants me to believe. I have struggled with prayer more these past few months than ever before but today, I needed the one person who hasn't left me during this whole thing and I knew He would still be there waiting for me to come to Him.

Satan and Ed are like the nastiest of twin brothers. Actually, I think Ed is Satan's son.

I will continue to try and fight them. As hard as this is, I will try.