Even the people I trust the most aren't completely trusted because how can I? How can I guarantee I won't be left abandoned or judged or talked about when all is said and done?
The story of my adult eating disorder is a story about the stupid things people say. Even good people say stupid things so this story isn't meant to bash on any of the people that I love in my life. But hey, I'm anonymous so who freaking cares?!
I struggled after Peter left me. I was a mess. One day, two days, three days...I couldn't get used to the fact that he had seriously left. Anger mixed with complete despair. That Sunday, oh my goodness that Sunday was hard. It was the day after he left and I chose to take my kids to church. Umm, what was I thinking? Of course, all I did was cry...IN FRONT OF PEOPLE. Gasp! That is something I try really hard not to do ever. Ever ever.
After church, my friend took my kids home with her and I just couldn't even stand to be home alone so after about ten minutes, I drove to her house. We talked. I cried. We talked some more. I may have bashed my then-husband a little bit. Or a lot. And she looked at me and said, "You should just lose a bunch of weight and show him what he's missing out on."
And suddenly, my heart felt like it was in my throat and I am glad she left the room for a minute because I was devastated.
She noticed.
She noticed what I notice every day.
I'm fat.
I'm fat, I'm fat, I'm fat!
And I was left feeling horrible about myself because someone else had VALIDATED an insecurity I was trying to deal with.
But it wasn't two days after he left that I started controlling the hell out of my eating. No, a month or so later, I was sitting at a friend's house {different friend} and we were talking about my possible divorce from Peter and she said, "So how awesome would it be if you lost a ton of weight and showed him what he's missing out on?" and I could feel it again; the small panic, the heart in my throat, the validation HELL.
Someone else had noticed.
Someone else had validated.
It was true.
I'm fat.
I'm fat, I'm fat, I'm fat!
And that night, I threw up after dinner and it was the most comforting thing I had felt in a long time.
I felt in control. I felt like I was on a path worth taking. I WAS GOING TO SHOW HIM.
It's been 32 pounds since that journey started and I can honestly tell you this is hell on earth. I can tell you how hard it has been to go from thinking I had control to realizing this consumes me. Sometimes I try to make good choices about my eating and they get ripped out from under me by this thing calling Eating Disorder Hell. I tell my brain to stop. I even looked in the mirror yesterday and told myself I was beautiful because my daughter was with me and I am trying my darndest not to have this affect her. I need this gone so she doesn't think this is reality. I need this gone so I can stick around for her life!
Showing Peter what he is missing is a big deal for me. It's something I obsess over. Because I was told this same thing twice and because I already felt this way about myself, I have a hard time deciphering the truths from the lies.
Because when I look in the mirror, the phrase "I am fat" sure as hell seems like a truth. And when I step on the scale, the phrase "I am fat" sure as hell seems like a truth. And because other people believe I need to lose weight and have outwardly told me this {my parents included}, the phrase "I am fat" sure as hell seems like a truth.
So I'm fighting. I'm fighting to find truths that are actual truths. I'm fighting to stay alive and relearn how to treat my body.
I'm not successful but I'm fighting.
At TTP I sat down with three other women I didn't know for lunch. We were all mostly chit chatting and it came up that two of them found out about the conference just days earlier from the news interview with Jacy. One of those ladies told her background that a couple months ago she discovered that her husband of like 18 years or so(?) had been having an affair with his coworker for 3 1/2 years. She loved him though and had been trying to make it work but had discovered that he had secretly been corresponding with the woman and lying about it, so two weeks ago she had asked him to move out. She had a 7 year old son and 14 and 16 year old daughters, her daughters had been asking her all along what was wrong becuase she cried all the time now and had lost 20 lbs in a months time. She said when she asked him to move out she sat her girls down seperately and told them, "The reason I've been having such a hard time, and the reason we are separating is because I found out that Dad is in love with another woman." She said her 16 year old daughter asked a couple questions but the only real response she gave at the end of the conversation was, "You must have done something to make him not love you anymore."
ReplyDeleteAll that to say, hearing your friend's responses made me cry in the same way as I did when this woman told us what her daughter's response was.
And really, all I can say is I'm on your guys' side. We will find truths that are actual truths, and then we'll help our children find them too. And the reason we can and will, won't be because our husband's left us, that's for sure.