Neverending

Trust him, they said. It will be different this time, they said. You need to give him the benefit of the doubt, they said.

But they were wrong.

Because I trusted him when I shouldn't have and he hurt me. I learned to love him through my pain and he stuck a knife in my heart.

I don't agree with advice. I don't agree with telling people how they should or shouldn't feel because everyone is different. Finding out about my ex husband's pornography addiction could be equal to a person losing their job or a person losing their spouse. Because we are unique individuals, the way we deal with trials is different. If I tell you I am hurting and that I'm not healed yet, you need to take my word for it instead of comparing me to someone else with a similiar trial.

I am my own person.

Yes, I was divorced when I found out about the pornography addiction. Yes, I don't have to see the man that hurt me so badly every day. I don't even have to interact with him daily. But he hurt me. I still have a brain that has a damn memory in it and when I replay old memories, I hurt. I ache. I don't like to think about what might have been fake.

I used to think people shouldn't be angry after a while. I used to think they should learn to get over their problems on my time frame---because my time frame must be bible. But I've seen real pain. I've seen real anger. I've also felt these emotions in my own life. And not a single person gets to tell me how or when I should get over these things.

Life really sucks sometimes.

I feel my eating disorder like a constant rain cloud. Although I've done better at fighting him, Ed isn't much smaller than he was a few weeks ago. He is still just as loud. I still question him daily. And I feel like I have no one who I trust enough to be an available support in my life. I wonder if that's because I actually don't have someone or if I just often feel alone because my spouse is gone.

My freaking spouse is gone.
Damn divorce.

I trusted someone that screwed me over. For years, he screwed me over. For years, he lied and made me feel like an effing crazy person. And as soon as I had started to heal and accept this as my life forever, he left.

He left at the worst possible time. He left when it would hurt me the most. I cannot think of any other time in our marriage where it woud've hurt more than it did when he chose to leave. I was happy. I was truly happy. I had accepted all of this. I had learned so much about myself. And then he left.

I hate manipulation. When I hear about husbands manipulating their wives, I want to scream and then punch their husbands in the junk. Seriously. Because manipulation is the worst. Manipulation is the perfect way to make a person feel bat-shit crazy when the manipulator is the real monster of the situation. As the manipulatee, you start to feel like you are the one who is wrong and you question yourself.

I used to question myself daily. I used to wonder why the guy who "loved" me so freaking much was the same guy who hated so many things about me. I used to wonder why I couldn't live up to his expectations.

And my eating disorder tells me I should keep questioning myself. My eating disorder tells me that I should settle for another douche husband because douches are the only ones who will take me "as is". But oh my gosh, I am not going to settle!

Because damnit, I deserve better than a porn addict, lying, ass face of a husband. I deserve someone who can look at me and see the good and accept the bad. I deserve someone who supports instead of manipulates.

We all deserve that.

And some of us don't get it. Some of us have to live with manipulation and lies and unsettling amounts of fear. Some of us have to wonder what life will feel like at the end of the day when our husbands walk through that front door.

And it isn't fair.

But life isn't fair, right?

Tonight I pray for you. I pray for my friends who are stuck in situations that seem hell bent and neverending. I pray for those of you who feel weak and unloved. I pray for those of you who question why you stay.
I love you and I am rooting for you.