Screwed Over

So maybe it wasn't truly planned. Maybe Peter didn't intentionally take my heart and expect he'd end up punching it time and time again.

But surely I can tell you I was screwed over.
Screwed over by pornography.
Screwed over by addictions.
Screwed over by lies.
Screwed over by Peter.

I understand addiction. I get that he was scared. What I don't get is why leaving me was better than telling me. Peter can tell me ALL he wants how this wasn't about me but he left me. He didn't leave pornography. He left me.

Peter has a way of making me feel all better again---it's called manipulation. He can go from being an ass to being a gentlemen and back to an ass again. And every time I believe him, I hate myself. I hate that I am stupid enough to believe the lies. What the hell, Wendy? Get a backbone!

On Wednesday night, Peter looked our little girl straight in the face and promised he would be at her kindergarten graduation the next day and then he no-showed. No explanations. No apologies. Not even a lie of an excuse. Nothing. He just didn't show up.
I told everyone I would not be the mom crying at her graduation. I mean, it's kindergarten---big whoop. We kinda knew she was gonna make it through kindergarten. But as I saw her eyes anxiously searching the room for the one person she hoped to find, I got a little teared up and then I got angry.
Why does our little girl have to feel disappointment at this young age? Why does she have to experience the broken promises that I've experienced for six years?

Because not only was he my husband, he is her dad. And yesterday at kindergarten graduation, he screwed her over. He broke a promise that was really important to her.

Pornography screws everyone involved over. From the addict to the spouse to the children to the family to the friends---pornography harms people.

When Peter's addiction wasn't as bad, he was a wonderful dad. He wasn't as angry and he showed up. He was present for his kids. Even now, he tries to be there for them. He loves them. I can see it. But his addiction seems to come first. He can't always tell when he's screwing us all over. He didn't understand today when I told him his daughter was upset about him missing her graduation. He didn't get that his broken promise to her was more than just him being there to watch her sing a few songs. He had promised.

Have I mentioned Peter is moving to Utah...tomorrow? Yes, he's allowed to do this. He would only not be allowed if he had full custody of the kids. I'm still on the fence about this decision. A part of me wants him gone because he causes a lot of heartache for our family right now but a part of me wants him here because our kids want their dad.

He's running away and I hope it ends up doing some good instead of harm. He is missing his daughter's birthday party. He is giving up weekends that he fought for when we first filed for divorce. He is giving up time with the two people who look up to him so much right now. They want him and he is leaving.

But maybe it'll be good? I really am on the fence about this change.

In the meantime, I'm trying so hard to say "Screw you" right back to addiction. And to Peter. And to pornography.

I think I'll just focus on the fact that today is my daughter's birthday so the rest of our problems can suck it. We are going to celebrate today and we'll deal with this crap some other time.