Ever since Monday, I've had this pain deep down in my chest and I can't get it out. I want to claw it out and throw it off a cliff but it stays there and festers and it seems to be getting bigger.
Today I can't handle it. I wanted to stay in bed but the kids forced me out of bed because, you know, SCHOOL! And on top of that, my weight obsession doesn't allow me to miss the gym very often so we went there. The whole time, I felt like crying and screaming but I acted completely normal and dropped my son off to kids club with a smile.
A smile.
A damn smile.
People don't know---and they shouldn't. But sometimes it's so hard having this life where only a small portion of my friends understand and even most of them don't understand everything because our situations are all different.
I feel really hopeless today. I feel like it isn't possible to feel wonderful again.
I can laugh and smile and joke with others but I still come home at night, all alone, and I'm still fat and unattractive and my ex-husband is still an addict who didn't love me like he should've.
I don't believe I'm actually loveable. I feel like me gaining weight when we got married caused him to seek out pornography because I didn't have the perfect body and maybe I wasn't good at sex and maybe he was never really attracted to me. I wish I would've stayed skinny because I think he would've been happier.
Where is the healing? Where is the hope? I can't do this today. I can't handle these thoughts of loneliness. I'm supposed to be spending the day with my daughter while Peter Pan took our son on a campout. And goshdamnit, I'm going to slap a smile on my face for her and make it a fun night. But I'll still come home and ache and my chest will still be tight and I'll still feel abandoned and stupid and weak and worthless.
And that is because today, I am worthless. I look in the mirror and I can't see anything about me that is awesome or good. It's all gone. I am nothing today.
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