Faith and Fighting

It has been a good week.
Monday started out rough but ever since then things have been a lot better. I think this has been the most consecutive good days since my divorce.

I am loving summer so far.

I have felt a lot of freedom this week. Our schedule has been mostly wide open and I have loved the sleepovers and late nights and lazy afternoons and time with my kids. I've always felt like one of my biggest callings in life would be motherhood. Although it tries my patience, motherhood brings me the most joy.

I have been more loving to myself this week. At the gym, I've had a goal to run two miles instead of one. Normally when I go to the gym, if I quit early or get tired, I talk down to myself using words like lazy, weak, stupid, fat, etc. but starting yesterday, I decided that what I am doing is quite incredible. I've never been a runner so two miles is a big deal. I started telling myself things like, "I am strong.", "I have power.", "I have worth.", "I am amazing." and I really can feel a difference in my running. Positive affirmations go a lot further than I used to believe. I hope someday I really believe those things about myself but even if it takes a while, I'll keep telling myself them.

I have a lot of faith this week. I have faith in myself that I am going to heal from this trauma. I have faith that my children are going to be ok. I have faith in God.

My desire to fight my eating disorder just keeps getting stronger. I've eaten lunch every day this week and even dinner a few times. I have tried so hard to keep truths in my mind and weed out the lies. This has been the hardest part. I saw my therapist on Wednesday and I was telling her how discouraged I am that ever since I decided I really needed recovery, I am frustrated that I'm not just better. She explained to me that recovery doesn't mean I'm done fighting. This fight is going to be a part of my life. Recovery means that I am always trying and that I believe the truths over the lies. She said, "If it's worth doing, it's worth doing poorly." and I think that was my favorite thing from our entire session. I've really felt like if I can't just stop purging or starving myself, what is the point of trying? But if it's worth doing, it really is worth doing poorly. It is going to take a lot longer than I anticipated recovery to take.
Because I've never experienced my eating disorder to this extent before, I honestly had no idea what a fight I'd have to put up to recover from this hell. But I'm doing it. I'm getting there. I'm doing it poorly but I'm inching my way on the path to recovery and I can already tell that it's making a difference in my demeanor.

Today I am incredibly grateful for resources and hope and support.

Today I am grateful for my life.