I often ask myself why. Why would God allow all of these things in my life? Am I just "feeling" him because I want to believe in something greater? Is He real? And does He really care? Peter Pan used to tell me that believing in God was for weak people. Am I weak?
I worry that even questioning God will ruin all of our lives...and I'm already ruining our lives, right?
I worked so hard to get custody of my kids on Sundays so they would be able to attend church with me and be raised "the right way" but tonight, I just want a break. I know God is real. What I'm having a hard time believing is that He knows what I'm going through this very minute. And if He does, why is this all happening? Why with the pornography addiction? Why with the eating disorder? Why with the divorce? Why with the infertility? Why with the miscarriage? Why with the childhood traumas? I just don't get it! I don't get why it's never "easy".
This morning, I had an appointment with a new therapist. Hell-to-the-yeah. It was just a basic appointment but I could tell that I'm going to like her approach to all of this crap I'm dealing with.
Then I came home and wrote two essays. I never did finish the third one but without it, I'll still have a B in that class so screw it! I skipped the essay completely! I started to stress out because I was going to be brave and eat some toast for lunch (Hi, unhealthy carbs, Meet, Wendy, the freak who loves/hates food) and although I stressed and panicked and stressed and freaked out, I did it. I did it knowing I could beat the hell out of this body at the gym in the afternoon. And then on the way to my daughter's dance class, I realized I couldn't get to the gym tonight and that I should've gone earlier. PANIC MODE. Food is effing just sitting in my body and I'm not going to burn the calories?! Oh, hell no.
So I was agitated.
And then I babysat at my parents house for an hour---an hour---in which time their house flooded from a clogged toilet. NOT EVEN KIDDING! That was the unluckiest hour to be at their house. My parents both reprimanded me like I was a five year old and I left their house feeling like shit---which is ironic, because I had just been cleaning up shit. Why was I in trouble for something that could've happened on anyone's watch?! Because I'm that kid, that's why. There's always a reason it's my fault.
I had eaten dinner right before the shit incident because well, everyone was eating and that's awkward. But halfway through the shit incident, I realized my older sister was there helping me clean it all up and there was no escaping this one AGAIN! So I sat and festered and obsessed and hated myself because I had food in my body again. Twice in one EFFING day.
And tonight. Tonight is when I really started questioning this God business. Because how is all of this possible in one day; the good, the bad, and the extremely ugly? How do I change my heart as it gets more hardened? I want to open up but I can't. I can't trust anyone with this heart of mine. Not family, not friends, not ANYONE.
Because anyone can abandon me. Anyone can be someone one minute and choose to be a jackass the next minute. Where is trust even possible? People make mistakes all on their own and the rest of us are just supposed to trust?
Trust is scary.
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