Addiction has been a part of my family ever since I can remember. As a little girl, I would hear stories of my late grandfather who was an alcoholic and did some very hurtful things to my grandmother and my mother. I used to view him as the bad guy because I had no idea what addiction meant; I only knew addicts usually did horrible things to other people.
I've heard the stories of aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins who have had severe depression and how it "runs in our family" and when I was ten years old---yes, you read that right? TEN---I was medicated for depression without really knowing what I was taking. No one ever explained to me that my parents thought I was depressed. All I knew is that I played checkers with a funny guy every week (my therapist) and I started taking a medication every night to help me make better choices. I was 13 or 14 years old when I saw a commercial promoting Zoloft and realized that is the same drug I was taking. I was kind of hurt by it all because let me tell you, I was not a severely depressed 10 year old. I know what severe depression feels like and at the age of 10, I was not that. I was a 10 year old who wasn't getting enough love and attention and got accustomed to anger issues to act out and be noticed. Big difference, friends. Big difference.
I struggled with real addictions as a teenager but nobody took them seriously. Nobody. There was no one around to say, "Hey Wendy, you are killing yourself!" There was no one around to tell me all of the hard truths I needed to hear. You are damagaing your kidneys. You could have a heart attack. You could end up in a treatment center. You could end up dead. I wish I hadn't blocked out so much of my childhood because I like to tell the story of how I just stopped throwing up and starving and how it wasn't too much of a struggle but the truth is, I don't remember. I remember pain. I remember struggle. I don't remember what got me through it all.
Before getting married, I knew my 'then boyfriend' had an addiction to pain medication and to me, it wasn't a red flag because he didn't seek out the drugs. He was given them for an injury. He had me believing the "poor me" story he told. He had me believing a hell of a lot of things.
Seven years later and I'm learning more about addiction than ever before. Not only have I learned that addictions are scary and real, I've learned how much they can harm a family.
My family was ripped in two by addiction. My children will forever be affected because of addiction. Pornography addiction, alcoholism, drug addictions, and even my eating disorder; it's all real and it's all hurting them.
My ex-husband chose addictions over his family. Leaving was easier than facing us; the people who used to be his biggest cheerleaders. For years, he chose pornography or alcohol or drugs over us. He chose not to be present. He chose to manipulate me into believing that there was something wrong with me. He chose to treat me like I wasn't good enough for him. He chose to lie and cheat and degrade me. And then he made the ultimate decision to leave---at a time where I knew nothing about his addictions, not a single one of them. And it's taken 8 months for me to find out some truths and I'm sure more truths will surface in time but for 7 years, I had no idea I was living wit an addict.
I thought I was bad. I thought I must not be a good wife because my own husband couldn't see the potential in me.
He left and I chose an eating disorder to cope. I chose addictions. I hate that I chose to be like him in this way. I don't want to be like him. I don't want to ruin our family.
There is a difference for me now versus my eating disorder as a child. Now I have friends who tell me Im ruining my kidneys, who remind me I could die, who tell me heart attacks are real. Today, as I was holding my precious red headed boy and kissing him on the cheek, my friend said, "If you want to leave that boy for 75 days, keep it up." {Hello, fear of God, Meet Wendy!} and my heart started pounding because she is right. I don't want her to be right this time.
Because the reality is that a treatment center is a future step down the hell path I'm taking. A treatment center is an option I don't want to get to. I have one more counselor to try and if I can't get my crap under control, I'll check myself into a center---you know, on the off chance that I can convince myself this is that big of a deal because I fight with myself about whether it is bad or not.
I would sit here and stare you in the face and tell you that my eating disorder did not tear us apart though. I am not denying the issues. I am not trying to hide what is happening to my body and my brain. But I did not leave my family because of addiction.
As I was sitting on the couch across from Peter Pan on Monday and asking about his addictions and telling him he needed to get help, I asked him why he left. Why would addiction cause him to leave? Why wouldn't he try and confide in his WIFE? Why did he think he couldn't trust me? Or why didn't he want to trust me?
After learning of the pornography addiction, I wanted to scream at him, "WHY WASN'T I GOOD ENOUGH? WHAT DOES A PORN STAR HAVE THAT I DON'T HAVE?" but I didn't. I didn't yell or scream or even cry. I still haven't cried. I have been getting anxiety a lot in the past 2 days but no tears have fallen from my face.
His pornography addiction validated my feelings of inadequacy. Everyone tells me it isn't me. They tell me he would've looked at pornography no matter what I look like or how much I weigh but it is SO HARD to believe them. It is just so hard.
Yesterday was my worst day. I told myself all day that I didn't deserve food. I told myself all day that I wasn't good enough for food. The only thing I was good enough for is hunger. So be hungry, Wendy. Suffer these consequences you didn't place on your own head. Show the world that you can be better and prettier. Show Peter that you can be loveable and gorgeous. And at night, I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle the hunger so I ate. And when I ate, I couldn't handle food in my body and so I threw up. And it was the first time I felt like my body could not take what I was doing. I need to stop explaining right there because it's too much for me to be that real. Even anonymously, I can't be that real. But it was a horrible night.
Have I ever told you when and how I started my eating disorder addiction again after Peter left me? Because it wasn't right away. I'll share that story with you another time. It's a crappy one and you will get angry but that's ok. It's ok to be angry because people say stupid things. Even nice people say stupid things. {That story is now blogged about here.}
All I know today, this very minute, is that addiction is real. Pornography addiction is real. Alcohol addiction is real. They tore my family apart.
My family is now two families because of addiction. My family is forever changed because of addiction.
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