Peter Pan is Our Story

I always thought so too.

I dreamed of forever with my Peter Pan. I was his Wendy and instead of growing old with me, he returned to Neverland to keep from growing up. This is the significance of me choosing Peter Pan as our story. Peter Pan is our story. I am Wendy and my Peter Pan has left to Neverland.

When I decided to use this story as my background, the word Neverland really stood out to me. This land that Peter Pan is trying to find is a land where his family won't be. It is Neverland; a land full of boys who don't want to grow up, a land where evil and sadness are lurking at every corner, a land of trickery. I used to pray that Peter would wake up from his distorted reality and realize that the happiness he once experienced with me and with our children would be enough.
But it was never enough and he searched for Neverland, trying to find the happiness he was missing.

Divorce brings a lot of mess into a relationship. With children, there will always be a relationship and trying to work together on specific parenting issues can be hard.

Saturday was one of those messy days were Peter was trying really hard to manipulate me. In his addict brain, he was making sense. In his addict brain, I was in the wrong. In his addict brain, he was being held back by me.

Peter had made a commitment to have our kids for the weekend and when his plans suddenly changed and I wasn't available to take the kids back early, he was angry.

You guys, I need to confess something.
On Saturday, I said the F word---out loud---in front of some friends.
Because usually I stand at the edge and wait out the storm but this particular storm caused me to jump off the edge.
Sometimes ex-husbands are idiots. And almost ALL of the time, addict ex-husbands are idiots.
Sometimes addict ex-husbands gaslight the hell out of you and tell you that you are the manipulator, that you aren't a good person, and that you are selfish.
Sometimes it's hard not to believe what addict ex-husbands say, even though you know the words aren't true.
So sometimes you end up walking into a room full of friends and the door is really hard to shut and you yell the F word at the door.

THIS IS NORMAL, PEOPLE!!! It has to be normal. Right? Someone tell me I'm not crazy!

So there I was, trying to concentrate on the things I was doing while receiving manipulative, angry messages from Peter. I was angry and shaking because I have a hard time when someone bashes my character. I'm glad my friends who had witnessed the F word rant were there for advice giving and support because I made it through.

I made it through and the next day, when addict brain was turned off, Peter apologized for his behavior. This is how life with an addict is. Things go from being irrational to apologetic really quickly. Gaslighting is an ever present threat. Rationality is often out the window. Feelings get hurt on purpose so the addict doesn't have to reflect on their own feelings.

I think about my eating disorder and how that is an addiction and I wonder if I do that to other people. Do I gaslight? Am I irrational? Do I deflect on others to avoid my own feelings?
I think because my eating disorder is so inward and reflects the hate I have for my own body, the biggest possibility is that I gaslight and am irrational toward myself.
I'm choosing to do something I don't want to do and have an appointment with an eating disorder therapist on Thursday. I think I'll bring those questions up to her because I don't want to be hurting others. Hell, I don't want to be hurting myself but I certainly don't want to hurt anyone else.

I don't want to end up like the addict in my life who continues to hurt me, even after divorce. I don't want to do that to other people. Boundaries are lost on us because we will always have to talk about the kids and dealing with Peter Pan, even regarding the kids, when he is in addict mode is extremely hard to do.

I want to end up different and break the cycle of addiction. I want to be a better me. I also want to stop saying the F word over and over in my mind and having it slip out once in a while but I have to admit, sometimes the F word makes me feel better.

I want to overcome. I want to step away from the edge of the cliff and walk down the mountain to safety.
I am strong enough for this. Right?