My D-day was August 24th, 2013. I've already told you the story.
The days after D-day are foggy. I spent most of the time crying and trying to figure out how in the hell I was going to be single again---this time with two kids in tow.
Xanax was my friend a few of those nights because I couldn't stop my mind from thinking of the horrible situation I was in. I was alone. I had no one. No one understood.
I was being given advice left and right. Don't rush into a divorce. Give him boundaries. Give him deadlines. Give him space. Tell him how much you love him. Beg for him to come back. Kick him to the curb. It was all so confusing.
The night Peter Pan moved out, he was unreachable. I had family members calling me to see if I'd heard from him for the next 3 days but I couldn't get a hold of him either. No one knew where he was staying or what he was doing.
During this time, I cried all of the tears I possibly could. I layed around the house and tried to be a mom as best I could but I was scared. I had a hard time being around people because I wanted nothing more than to just stop crying and seeing people made me cry harder.
I've always been fearful of showing emotions in front of other people. If anything, the past 8 months have made this worse.
Three days after my D-day, I had no tears left. My brain still couldn't fathom how I was going to continue living so I made 3 simple goals for the day. Cook dinner, do a load of laundry, and do an act of service for one person. I knew if I could try and focus on helping someone else that my problems would seem less daunting.
I finished all of my goals that day. All I could muster for an act of service was baking cookies for a neighbor but it was good enough for that day.
My first counseling session post-separation was 5 days after D-day. By this time, my emotions were shut off and I sat and talked very non-chalantly about what a jackass Peter was. I talked about my plans to give him 30 days to himself before having a serious discussion with him. I talked about the child support he had agreed to pay, you know, to get me on my feet again before I'd have to get a job---his words, not mine.
I had just started full time school and I had no intentions of getting a job. Our daughter was struggling with the separation and I have no intentions of getting a job. I was already working two side jobs from home and I have no intentions of getting another job. Did I mention how much I DON'T plan on getting a job?
But Peter like to remind me that I would need one when all of this was over---as if his mind about the divorce was already made up.
On and off, we would fight. On and off, we would get along. Separation was difficult.
Days after Peter had left us, I had been praying and had received an answer that this was going to end in a divorce but I fought that answer and had no intentions of telling him or pushing him to make the decision right away.
His 30 days were up but I didn't remind him. I was so scared of the outcome.
I prayed daily. We went camping twice and I went out into the middle of the woods by myself to pray and try and find peace.
Peace was what I was searching for because I had already been prepared for the outcome---I just wanted peace so when the outcome was decided, it would be ok.
On November 17th, 2013, as I was picking my kids up from a late night at their dad's, I decided to ask him about his decision. Note that we are now way past the 30 day mark I had originally given him. I wish I could give you the exact conversation but here it is the best I could remember it.
Wendy: So have you made any decisions yet?
Peter: No.
Wendy: Are you planning on figuring it out soon?
Peter: I don't know.
Wendy: Do you want to move home?
Peter: No.
Wendy: Do you want to work on our marriage?
Peter: No.
Wendy: So that pretty much leaves one option. Are you going to file for divorce?
Peter: No, you can do it.
If you're wondering, the next day I filed for divorce. That conversation was the answer I needed. He didn't understand why it wasn't ok to keep living with no responsibility, he had started holding child support over my head and hadn't paid me in a month, and it was time.
Yes, I am the one that filed for divorce. According to that statement, you might think I wanted to get a divorce.
I didn't.
What I wanted was my husband to realize how much he was hurting his family and soften his heart.
I was willing to try harder and he wasn't and because of this, we were divorced on February 20th, 2014.
I claim no perfection in this matter. I don't write this to show you how bad he is and how good I am. I write this to show you that it takes two willing people to keep a marriage going. You can push and push and try as hard as you want to succeed but without your partner doing the same, it just won't work out. And in the end, you will be exhausted.
I pray for those of you in Limbo right now. I pray that you find the answers you need and that you don't give up too much of yourself fighting for something only you are fighting for. I also pray that if you're the one not willing to fight, that you make your decision with a clear mind and do what feels best for you.
There is no one right answer.
We all live with the choices we make so make sure you are making choices you can live with.
You are not bad, no matter what your final decision is.
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