I thought it was the love story I had always dreamed of. I had convinced myself I had simple taste because I didn't care that he never properly proposed but instead handed me the ring with a "Here ya go" attitude.
***Looking back, I can understand how my insecurities were telling me that I should settle because how likely would it be that anyone else would love me like this. These thoughts were a mixture of my distorted eating disorder brain and Satan.
So he wasn't romantic. Oh well, right? It would've been an 'oh well' if romance wasn't a huge part of my love language.
The bickering started long before our wedding day. I keep telling myself this should've been the biggest FLAW sign but I ignored it. I loved him so the rest would just have to figure itself out.
Peter Pan seemed like a genuine guy. We shared many moments before our wedding that were real. I try so hard not to deny that now because back then, they felt real. He was present in life at the time.
We had an easier time deciding on children things. We were excited to become parents together and would often talk about their names and what they might look like. It was an exciting time in our lives. None of the signs that should've been red flags were even visible to me because I felt secure and wanted and loved.
We were married 6 months after we started dating which seems fast but in the LDS culture (and especially for people who grew up together), this was pretty average. Six months felt like an eternity but it was finally the day.
The wedding ceremony was beautiful and I remember the happiness I felt from that day. Nothing could stand in the way of my happiness. I felt such a sense of security from knowing I would never have to date or get married ever again. I was sure of it.
Everyone told us "the first year is the hardest" which is obviously a lie but we were prepared. Our first year was definitely challenging. I ended up pregnant two weeks into our marriage and miscarried ten weeks after that. My hormones were everywhere. Then two months later, I was pregnant again and after confirmations from our doctor, this pregnancy seemed healthy. You can imagine how much of a rollercoaster that first year was. First, a miscarriage. Then, a new pregnancy. Then, an extremely sick wife. Then, bedrest. Then, a baby girl who was born one month early. It was a whirlwind but we made it and having our daughter brought us a lot closer together than we'd ever been---you know, until we started bickering about the diaper changes or the feedings or money.
Peter Pan was in school at the time and wasn't taking it seriously. He had no idea what he wanted to do with his life so I supported our family, he screwed around in school and had a part time job, and our mothers took turns watching our daughter. It felt like a mess. I often worried and wondered how I had married someone with so little ambition and motivation to provide.
One of the first big lies I remember was on a day when I was home from work and had called Peter's work to see if he wanted to have lunch. They told me he had called in sick that day and my heart started pounding. Where was he? What was he doing? I called his cell phone and asked him what in the hell was going on and he proceeded to tell me that he was truly sick but didn't want me to be upset about him missing work so he had gone to a friend's house to rest. And guess what? I believed him. Huge red flag.
We were young. I was clueless. I knew we could make it through anything. We decided to have another baby when our daughter was 6 months old. We got pregnant right away. We were stunned and scared---ok, I was mostly just excited.
The fighting had never stopped but it certainly didn't seem worse. We were comfortable where we were. Peter was still trying to figure his life out and had quit school "permanently" before we got pregnant again and once we realized we were going to have 2 kids, he decided he needed to get back to school and figure this all out.
Everything seemed fine. We were happy and I felt like I was living a good life. I was only 21 but being a mom of two just seemed like something I was meant for. The only worry I had at that point was if I would ever be able to stay home with my kids. I was still supporting our family, Peter was barely going back to school, and he had up and quit his job without telling me.
To continue on to Part 3, click here.
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