When our graduation from marriage counseling was complete, and by that I mean when we decided we didn't need to go back together so we told her we were done, I couldn't shake the feelings of anxiety and panic. I didn't want things to go back to the way they were and I was so scared.
I voiced these feelings during our last visit and Peter Pan and our counselor suggested I keep seeing her on my own. I was unsure. I was afraid to stop seeing her and I was afraid of the recent things I was feeling.
The littlest of things would make me panic. I couldn't pray kneeling next to my bed because I had thoughts of someone jumping out of my closet and killing me. I couldn't handle being alone because I was sure I'd be raped or killed. My Obsessive Compulsive Disorder was taking over my life and I would often get stuck in an aisle at the store, not sure which brand of food to get or how many to buy. Simple decisions became really hard and scary because I didn't want to make the wrong choice and mess everything up.
Fear controlled me.
I felt like someone going through Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and yet, the most stressful thing in my life was the fact that my husband didn't go to church which I had learned to cope with. I felt crazy and unstable and I couldn't figure out why. What was I fearing? Why was I fearing?
Counseling helped me so much. I started taking anxiety medication to stabilize my thoughts so I could better decipher the good from the bad. I was more logical. My OCD wasn't as obsessive. It took 4 months of counseling to help me cope with the nothing that I was freaking out about. We never did quite figure out what was making me feel that way at the time but it would make sense soon enough. (Read about it "making sense" in this post)
I confided in my counselor in those months about some struggles that had controlled my life and made me live in fear. They were addictions that weren't addictions. But I was sure they were addictions and I had made myself believe that I was making decisions worse than adultery. I was certain I would go to hell if I didn't repent.
I could hardly look her in the eye that day. I couldn't even get the words out of my mouth so she had to guess them instead. I had this view of how she would see me when we were done and it didn't look pretty.
But there was no judgement that day. There was love and a sadness for how I was making myself feel over something that was a common struggle. I had no idea.
That day, I felt a little bit more free than I ever had before.
I stopped going to counseling the very last week of July 2013 and I couldn't believe it had been almost a year since I had met this lady who had changed our lives.
School started. Things seemed ok, although distant as usualy between myself and Peter Pan. I was used to leaving him alone because when I didn't, his emotional abuse was too much for me. I still had faith that he would figure things out and I was ok with waiting.
Three weeks after school started, Peter Pan would make a decision that would change our lives forever.
To read Part 6, click here.
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